Don't Give Yourself a Brain Tumor

I spoke with a customer today who was upset that his account had been flagged as non-profitable. Generally, these designations are reserved for people who use their phones more often than not on another carrier's towers. Since we still have to pay that carrier their roaming dues, we are stuck with an account that is depleting the ever present "bottom-line."

On occasion however, unprofitable accounts can be flagged for another joy we call "excessive usage." What is excessive? How is this arbitrary term defined? Why can't Sunnis and Shiites live together in harmony? Find out these answers and more! (And by more I mean the first two but not necessarily the third).

We offer calling plans that are unlimited in the sense that you don't pay additional provided you follow all the rules of your plan. Granted, all that is not spelled out in promotional marketing (although it should be), but one would assume unlimited within reason. What is reasonable for an unlimited plan? Most people I've had the "pleasure" of coming across have had approximately 2000-4000 minutes used per month. That equates to around 33 to 66 hours per month. While it certainly seems excessive for most, those figures are not outside of the norm that we might see. Some may take it a step further, racking up around 6000 to 10,000 minutes per month, representing 100 or more hours per month. That's a lot of talking! However, this still does not raise the bean counter's red flags of hemorrhaging money.

This man I met today had a monthly average anywhere between 12,000 and 15,000 minutes per month. That's 250 hours per month, corresponding to about 8 hours a day on the phone. However, one month, the bill reflected 22,237 total minutes used over a standard thirty (30!) day billing period made up in 2,861 total calls. As we break that down, that is 370 total hours of talking per month which breaks down to 12.5 hours per day on the phone.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is excessive.

When you talk on the phone more than I do, keeping in mind that I converse on the phone for a career(?), you know you have a problem. I certainly hope his lower-level dealers weren't causing trouble or ripping him off or else he'd likely talk you to death ... and probably then go after your Auntie.

Don't Get Your Rocks Off on Company Time

Richmond Times Dispatch columnist Ray McAllister has done his due diligence on confronting porn and the city.

In Richmond, Virginia, city officials determined that over a two month period of time, 191 city employees visited a pornographic website (hereafter referred to as "Goodies") at least 10 times. Some had visited over 50 times. Two employees, who have since been fired, had seen Goodies over 12,000 times.

The big question: who is it that determined what was appropriate workplace Goodies action and what is not? If you visit ten sites, we frown upon you, but carry on. Fifty sites: you have a problem, but we are not here to judge. Ten thousand+ sites: nice severance package to go home and look at even more porn.

The next big question: where can I fill out an application and when do the benefits kick in?

At work, I feel dirty and shamed whenever I try to visit a site during downtime that "The Company" finds inappropriate. Things like Consumerist, TV Squad, and even my own blog is deemed inappropriate for work-use and I am subsequently greeted by a nice reminder: ACCESS DENIED. I can't even imagine what it would be like to work in a place with unfettered internet access. I would imagine it would be awkward to have your sixty-ish year-old boss come up and find you viewing Goodies. This would be eclipsed in awkwardness by him saying, "Hey, that's a good one."

People, inappropriate internet access at work is never a good thing. It siphons your productivity (like you care), makes other people work harder (who haven't figured out about free porn access at work), and your customers or clients ultimately bear the consequence (as they don't have free porn access for themselves). Control yourself and curb that brunette-babes-with-big-hands-among-really-big-other-things addiction until you get home.

On the other hand, maybe it would be best for more public employees to have access to the full-fledged wonders of the internet, including porn. It may make those people at the DMV less cranky.

Don't Entrust Your Kids' Sexual Health to Bureaucrats

Kids grow up so fast these days. I remember when I was a wee one, terrorizing the hallowed halls of my middle school, days were consumed with how to sell more Blow-Pops and Airheads for buying movies, avoiding those freakish 7th-graders who were about five and a half feet tall towering over us dwarfins and then didn't grow for the rest of there lives, and skimming through books and magazines at 11 o'clock for a book report the following day. Now, I guess middle schoolers have to worry about "family planning."

The New York Times reports a school in Portland, Maine has approved to start offering a variety of wellness services such as physicals and immunizations ... oh, and dispensing birth control. The proposal was approved by 10 of the 12 member school board and was backed by the Portland Division of Public Health.

I suppose if one had to choose, it would be better for a 13-year-old to engage in safer intimate activity to prevent "fluid-sharing" and procreation than a less safe interaction. Of course, wouldn't it be better if barely teenagers were actually being directed in positive activities like their studies, after-school activities, or recreational drug use?

The school principal, Mike McCarthy, said about 5 of the school’s 500 students had identified themselves as being sexually active.

The argument for this is not to encourage sexual activity but to ensure those who are active are doing so safely. By this reasoning, we should expect to see in Portland the distribution of clean needles for heroin because it is safer?

Regardless, all this hubbub is being caused by 25 kids, probably living on the wrong side of the tracks (if such a place exists in Maine) who need nothing more than a stable and influential guiding figure in their life. Perhaps with all his free time Michael Vick could lend a hand to Big Brother, Big Sister.

Don't Pay for Crap You Already Own

Why does this young girl have such a bright smile on her face while she talks on her cellular telephone? Is she telling her parents about her acceptance to Harvard? Was she just asked on a date at the local Starbucks? Is she enjoying the anal-rapage of her bank account? Prior to this conversation commencing, she was treated to the smooth sounds of Jay-Z that she had purchased for the mere pittance of $3.49 from her service provider.

Unbeknown to her (and many others who make up the $600 million ringtone customer base), ringtones are the biggest ripoff since Amway.

In a vintage article from early '06, Wired explains why it is absurd to pay a company for a small fragment of a track that you likely already own. Ringtone prices can range from $2 for crappy, synthesized versions like you might hear in an NES game) to $3 or perhaps even more if you enroll in a sketchy subscription service. If you consider that an average CD is 12 tracks, you would be paying over $30 to purchase a small fraction of a full-length CD. As pointed out in the article, it costs more to download a ringtone than it does to download a legitimate MP3.

All you have to do is purchase a Bluetooth adapter (if your phone is so configured) or a data cable to connect your phone to a computer. Either of these cost around $30. Next, download an MP3 editing software such as Audacity or MP3 Wav Editor, cut down the song in question, transfer it to your phone, and you are good to go and didn't expend $3 in the process.

Now, you have more money to spend on beer, string cheese, or being carbon neutral. Don't you feel better about yourself already?

Don't Screw Around with Deer

A Georgia man was found dead at his home after an apparent attack by one of the deer that resided on his property. John Henry Frix was reportedly skewered by the deer with its antlers.

The incident was likely triggered by rut, a stage in the deer's mating process. The responsible deer was later dispatched by a family member of Mr. Frix and is no doubt halfway to being digested now. Magnanimously, no charges have been filed in the episode and is under further investigation.

Just like you don't approach with a dog when he's eating, don't mess around with a cervidae trying to get his freak on.

Don't Shoot the Ice Cream Man

A blissful Sunday afternoon turned into a horrific scene for one man in Richmond, Virginia. The man was shot and taken to the hospital with life-threatening injuries.

The victim, Dan Teodorescu, was in the parking lot of E.S.H. Greene Elementary School selling ice cream when he was approached by two male teenagers who attempted to rob him. One of the teens shot him and then the gaggle fled in a sedan. It is unclear if the attempted robbery was for the less than $35 in cash the driver had or a significant supply of ice cream sandwiches.

School Board member Carol Wolf remarked:

"For someone who came seeking the American dream, it looks like he found a nightmare. I hope that the police department can get to the bottom of this and keep our children safe ... This hurts our kids, and our kids need to feel safe."

It appears the prevalence of violence has spread not only to safe havens for children but also to those the children admire and cherish. This should prove that football players, movie stars, clowns, and Santa Claus cannot escape the inevitable gangland-style "cap-in-the-head."

Tooth Fairy: consider yourself warned.

Don't Fire the Buttprint Man

Who knew painting with body parts could be so controversial?

Stephen Murmer was a well-respected art teacher at Monacan High School in Chesterfield, Virginia up until late 2006. At that time, a video showing Murmer, posing under the alias Stan Murmur, surfaced online demonstrating his unique style of artistic expression: butt-painting.

As Murmer's activities would have (and eventually did) come under fire by parents, school officials, papal figures, and political officials, Murmer wore a mask during the demonstration video to conceal his identity. All of Murmer's butt-art was created on his own time and he took steps to ensure his students did not uncover it.

When students at Murmer's school stumbled upon the online exhibition, it quickly spread around the student body. School officials called upon Murmer and suspended him, claiming the video clamor was creating a disruption. A month later Murmer was fired.

The ACLU of Virginia filed suit in Richmond on Thursday against the Chesterfield County school board. The suit alleges the firing of former high school teacher Stephen Murmer in January was a violation of Murmer's First Amendment rights.

While it is easy to see the school board's position that a person in such a position of respect and authority should not be engaging in this type of behavior, Murmer did nothing wrong within the confines of the school nor did his students have any direct exposure to his art. Had he posted "Tulip Butts" in his classroom, that may be pushing it. Ultimately, would this case have been different had Murmer been using strictly arms, elbows, or armpits? I don't there would be this much uproar if that was the case.

The probable upside to this for Murmer is increased recognition for his work and techniques. And, for only $4,800 you can own "Poppies," a piece of history featuring the posterior DNA of a famous painter.

One thing is for sure: he could have picked a better pseudonym differing more than one letter from his real name.

Don't Drag Everyone Else Down

Idaho Senator Larry Craig clearly has no conscience.

Shortly after pleading guilty to charges stemming from being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a Minnesota airport, Craig stated he would be resigning from his elected position. Then, he apparently had a change of heart and attempted to withdraw his guilty plea.

Even as the request to rescind his plea has been declined, Craig has rejected the notion of leaving with a shred of dignity and stated he would fulfill the remainder of his term.

“As I continued to work for Idaho over the past three weeks here in the Senate, I have seen that it is possible for me to work here effectively,” Mr. Craig said in his statement, saying that he believed he could do more for his state than an interim replacement.

We have to give credit to Senator Craig for bringing more awareness to his state and it is likely that he would be able to further tarnish the reputation of elected officials in general far more than a temporary replacement.

Don't Turn Your Loved Ones Into Photographs

How is it considered desecration to dig up a corpse to put alternate gender clothing on it while posing it in suggestive positions but it is A-Okay to turn the remnants of your loved one into a picture?

Inkafterlife specializes in the creation of photo memorials printed with ink containing the ashes that you provide. So, as it stands, you can make pictures, diamonds, teddy bears, and a plethora of other options for the storage of your deceased loved one.

Or, you could be normal and bury the urn, avoiding the need to make a couch or flower pot out of your family member.

Don't Eat the Beef

Another day, another recall. This time the recall affects over 150 tons of frozen beef patties and other beef products potentially contaminated with E. coli bacteria.

With all the recalls of food products abound recently, it looks like you'd be better off sautéing some lead paint chips for dinner. Yeah, the risk of nerve disorders and fertility problems certainly don't sound appealing, but those are potential problems with long-term exposure.

At least you'll escape worshipping the porcelain god like a bad date with a beer bong.

Don't Burn Your House Down

A Greensboro, NC family is looking for a new place to take up residence after a fire at their home. The fire caused around $80,000 in damage to the home, which has been condemned until the necessary repairs can be completed but fortunately no one was hurt in the incident. It is also worth mentioning the family patriarch was responsible for the blaze.

Hugh Williams apparently does not appreciate mother nature and all her minions. Williams' home was infested with yellow jackets impervious to normal bug spray that Williams used to rid the domicile of the insects. When that failed, Williams did the next logical thing, lighting a piece of paper on fire and sticking it in the hole where the yellow jackets were. Not-quite hilarity ensued as the flame traveled into the house and attic causing the damage.

Most of us can understand the dislike of insects encroaching on the sanctity of our homes. However, it the unfortunate event of an infestation, there are certainly more sensible ways of elimination other than making yourself homeless. Next time, call an exterminator and be done with it. You'll be paying someone else to take care of the problem leaving your more time for future brilliant brainstorming sessions.

Of course, if you have a desire to blow something up, a spacious backyard, lots of flammable materials, and a hoard of bees hanging around, see here.

Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Internet Sex Kittens

Social networking site Facebook is under fire by the New York Attorney General's office for not offering a safe environment for younger children. The USA Today article states undercover investigators went on Facebook posing as minors and subsequently received contact from those totally not BFF-worthy and complaints went unresolved. Attorney General Andrew Cuomo takes issue with the fact that Facebook is specifically marketed as a safe place to the underage.

Who would have thought that the internet, and especially a site catering toward the college-age and young adult crowd, would not be a safe place for children (or 43-year-olds named Ernestine posing as little Becky12)? While it should be necessary for the parental units to monitor their child to ensure they aren't hooking up with 35 year-olds from three states away, that duty clearly won't be recognized anytime soon. Facebook may have some tricks to weed out pedophiles and child predators but that certainly should not completely allay parents' fears about these sites.

Parents, in the end, it is your responsibility for your children. Do yourself a favor, get your kid off of MySpace and Facebook and computers in general to go interact with people IRL. We do this in hopes that we will have at least one less edition of "Dateline: To Catch a Predator" choking up the airwaves.

Don't About Forget Mike Tyson

With all the recent happenings in the O.J. Simpson chronicles, it is easy to forget one of the other bad boys of the sports world: Mike Tyson.

Yes, the lobe-ravaging fiend of the beat-the-crap-out-of-you school of rock has plead guilty to the possession of cocaine and DUI stemming from an incident last December in Arizona. As Tyson was leaving a bar, he was pulled over after almost hitting a police car where it was discovered Tyson was more than just a bad driver.

Tyson could be looking at more than a slap on the wrist for this latest incident. Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas said:

"He has run out of second chances, at least in my book. I believe some period of incarceration is necessary to help this man break his self-described addiction to cocaine and to protect the public."

Well, we all know how well Tyson's last date behind bars for rape in 1992 helped rehabilitate him and correct his mental deficiencies. At the very least, Tyson should be able to hold his own in a prison riot, provided there aren't any Evander Holyfield fans in the crowd.

Don't Ride with Jack Bauer

Another day, another story about an inebriated celebrity cruising around town. Don't these people make enough money to hire a chauffeur or call a cab?

Keifer Sutherland was arrested in Hollywood early Tuesday morning for driving under the influence. He later posted the paltry bail amount of $25,000 and merrily skipped out to rule the world another day.

Perhaps, Kiefer drinking on the job may improve this upcoming season of 24 if he and the writers were to partake in enough to come up with new story lines, not retreads of previous years. Or maybe this is a plot point worth looking into: 24 Hour Drunk Tank. Either way, it can't be much worse than Season 6 was.

Don't Neglect Your Bills

As you will see, I am not referring to ex-Presidents which a penchant for dirty deeds in the Oval Office. I am however referring to those pesky compressed wood pulp planes that come in the mail indicating you owe someone for something.

In general, we enjoy receiving mail when it is birthday cards, holiday cards, get well cards or some other correspondence personally created for you. Bills, however fall into an entirely different category. No one likes them. No one wants to pay them. Everyone would rather chuck them in a desk drawer and forget they ever existed. Unfortunately, if you do that, you receive bigger bills which is not good either.

Reviewing bills of course gives you the opportunity to ... actually see what you are paying for. A novel idea, I know. You get to determine if you are being charged what you should be, if your plans or packages have changed, or if there is a legitimate billing error that you should not be responsible for. Most companies however have a time frame that you can dispute a bill if you do not agree with it, usually around 30-60 days. After that time, if you don't agree with it, tough. You should have picked it up before.

Excerpt from T-Mobile Terms & Conditions:

Incorrect Charges. If you believe your bill contains an incorrect charge, you have 60 days from the date of the first bill that contains the charge to notify us or you waive any right to dispute the charge. To notify us, please contact Customer Care at www.t-mobile.com, (800) 937-8997, or 611 from your Phone. We may require you to describe the dispute in writing.

Bonus Tip: If for some reason, you don't receive a bill one month, don't interpret that to mean you aren't responsible for charges listed on the invoice lining the bottom of your mail carrier's bird cage. Instead, you can be proactive and contact the business directly or the post office to check the status of delivery. After all, you surely didn't forget to use the service that month too.

Don't Assume Salad is Always Better

Ah, salad. The food of choice for anorexics and dieters who crave sustenance while minimizing calories without considering that dousing the bowl in ranch dressing, cheese, and croutons will not lead to a particularly healthy choice.

Now, there is even more evidence to worry about eating like a furry woodland creature: E. coli to go along with your salmonella. The FDA announced Tuesday that Dole Foods would be recalled a selection of "Dole Hearts Delight" for probable E. coli contamination.

Those who cannot possibly stoop to chopping their own components of salad and choose to purchase the pre-packaged bags of salad should exercise caution or else suffer the wrath of debilitating stomach cramps and diarrhea. At this point along with the previous recall of spinach you may be better off sticking with your all fatty red meat diet. Sure, you may develop heart disease and die of a stroke before you die of loose stools but why risk it? You can always go to the gym to shed that excess fat, right?

Don't Forsake Your Personal Information

One would assume in this day and age that most people should be wary of being ripped off or have their identity or personal information stolen. With the way identity theft has been touted and warned of on the news, most should have an idea of some steps to limit the risk. Simple protective steps such as shredding trash and documents with sensitive information, using encrypted sites to give login and password information for email and finances, and not giving out your Social Security number are all fine ways to prevent such an occurrence.

With all this in mind, why would anyone in their right mind give out their name, address, and Social Security number to someone who cold-called to sell a new cell phone plan? Apparently, she did not think it was odd that someone who called, posing as a sales rep, invited her to sign up for service with a company she had no previous dealings with and needed her personal information to process the claim. This woman was scammed up and down and is likely in the middle of purchasing numerous big ticket items from Wal-Mart.

Now, I can understand and appreciate discretion with releasing that information to any company. While I am not a Social Security number nazi like some who absolutely refuse to divulge it ever, I hesitate at putting my number to use as a login to an employer to even apply for a job, as illustrated below.

Of course, if you cannot understand why everyone and their priest is telling you not to give out your information, and you do anyway, perhaps you won't care when the Mercedes dealer comes to repossess a car you don't have.

Don't Game for Prosperity

A new study from the National Bureau of Economic Research finds first-year college students with exposure to a video game console study less and subsequently have a lower GPA.

In other news, college students with exposure to alcohol causes drunkenness, public indecency and regrettable evening escapades with members of the other sex.

Don't Fade Away

Whenever you are working in an unstable environment, you always hear rumors that may be weighted down in credence but never really appreciate the forbearing said rumors may give. No matter how much you may dislike a job, it is still your job which provides food, shelter, cars, fine women, alcoholic beverages, pinball tables, and essentials like that. Imagine my chagrin yesterday as I arrived at work, checked my email, and discovered the company I work for will not be around too much longer.

As announced to the world (as well as to us low-level employees), SunCom Wireless has reached an agreement to be acquired by T-Mobile. Yes, the writing has been on the walls for years and was even discussed in my training class. The primary area that SunCom covers is a major area that T-Mobile does not. Both companies operate the same network technology and even have similar product offerings. SunCom had hundreds of millions in debt and hemorrhaging funds left and right. It was even announced earlier this year that the company would explore other "alternatives" to improve its financial situation.

None of this is a shock.

Soon, SunCom will be no more than a distant memory as it is swallowed up like so many other companies before. SunCom will exist only as a thorn in the side of existing T-Mobile employees as they have to learn and decipher about 200 new rate plans in the possession of SunCom customers and in the archives of the internet, filed under the little company that tried to provide unique and substantial means of business but could not compete in its industry and was subsequently gobbled up like leftovers after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the big-wigs of both companies are applauding the agreement (likely as well as those SunCom customers who keep up with this type of thing), leaving employees of the acquired company wondering exactly when in the process they will be left with little more than their personal trinkets that once littered their desks as they are shuttled out amidst the masses to start anew.

I then suppose the silver-lining to all this would be two-fold. First, my last day might come sooner than it otherwise would have, allowing my argumentative side to retreat and allow the peace of life to flourish. Second, I'll have more excess time to devote to my real passion: professional beer tester.

Don't Get Attached

Over the past few years, I've become very disillusioned with television and especially the fall premieres of new shows. Every year, the same scenario repeats. X new shows premiere. Y existing shows return. Z shows are canceled or otherwise ended prematurely. At the end of the year, this parade of dashed hopes, failed dreams, and unemployed actors leaves even the most dedicated fan (read: couch potato) wondering why to even endure the inevitable pain and suffering.

Last year was bad for cancellations of both new and existing shows. It was even worse for new and existing shows that I watched or was looking forward to. Let us recap those shows no longer with us except for in the recesses of our minds, Bit Torrents, or DVD.

• The Nine
  
• Vanished
  
• Kidnapped
  
• Drive
  
• Justice
  
• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
  
• Veronica Mars
  
• Gilmore Girls
  
• Jericho

That is not even to mention the handful of shows that I was going to watch but decided they would probably be canceled early on.

This year, I am on a boycott of all new shows for at least the first two months of the season. If after that point, shows are still on the air, I will consider going back and watching the previous episodes to catch up. It seems rather self-defeating to do so, but at least I won't be stuck in the same lurch of investing in a show only to have it ripped from me as a bully would take your lunch money on the playground, push you down, and walk away laughing.

At least I have the old favorites to cling to for however long they might last such as Lost, 24, and Prison Break. Perhaps this year, I may have time to check out other things such as Buffy, revisiting X-Files, anime, or perhaps I might actually spend some time with the family.

Don't Cut the Juice Loose

It should be apparent now that O.J. Simpson is a menace to society. First, he was facing double murder charges. Now, he is charged with the alleged robbery of a sports memorabilia dealer. Perhaps O.J., on his quest to find "the real killer," became bored and decided to branch out into different areas of lawlessness.

Simpson does not deny that he was in the Palace Station Hotel and Casino room that night. He states though he was merely going to collect his own personal artifacts that were stolen. You have to give him credit at least for a semi-plausible argument.

What's next for O.J.? Jaywalking? Parking in a handicap space at the Sav-A-Lot? Sure, the crimes are decreasing in seriousness, but someone needs to stop this man before he resorts to littering or spitting on kittens.

Don't Buy It

With the Nintendo Wii selling like crack in a downtown metropolis, new gadgets and accessories to correspond are coming out like Elton John. One recent development in the stable is the Zapper. Developed for games where shooting is involved (representing about 80% of console video games now), the Zapper is the next-generation answer to the old-school NES gun controller for use in Duck Hunt.

Despite the marvelous advances in technology (not to mention aesthetics), there are those who do not appreciate the technology available for simulating violent acts. NJ.com asked their readers what they thought of the Zapper. Of the three responses posted in the article, two readers (as well as many other commentors) thought the Zapper was a poor idea.

A "very concerned grandparent" wrote:

"....Why don't they enclose an application to the NRA in every box as well....the marketing person who came up with this brain child of an idea should be fired."

Very insightful stuff if you ask me. I bet that was senile-old Charleton Heston's brainchild to boost NRA membership by a shameless, but awesome, cross-promotion.

Here we have but another case of over-protective, uppity parents trying to remove the fun of everyone else so their little sociopath-in-the-making would have far less avenues of anger management. While I certainly don't think such a "toy" would be appropriate for a 6-year-old, what about sensible adults or kids who can understand the difference between reality and video games?

What's the next step in this shameless process of sheltering young, impressionable minds from potential violence simulation? Water guns? Crocheting needles? Bananas? All of these objects can, and as I can attest, have been used for the depiction of shooting, maiming, and killing. This list will likely grow as children have boundless imaginations and can use pretty much any inanimate object for their desired purposes, whatever those may be.

Of course, you as a parent can decide if your child is mature and stable enough to use such objects, including the Zapper. In the event they are not ready, exercise your right as a consumer to not buy a particular product you do not feel is appropriate. That would then leave other consumers the same choice: to buy or not to buy. Since I have successfully solved this major dilemma, next I will work on stamping on racism and reality TV.

Don't Confuse Determination with Dumb

In Allen Park, Michigan, police discovered a man's body in the woods who died from apparent self-inflicted wounds. He had built a home-made guillotine and fastened it to a tree in the area the body was found.

Deputy Police Chief Dale Covert said in regards to the peculiar manner of self-termination:

"I can't even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct," he said. "This man obviously was very determined to end his life."

While suicide is not something to take lightly and represents a terrible breakdown in a person’s life, you have to admire this man’s dedication to ending his life in a cowardly but standout way.

Don't Kill Dogs: Part 2

Sgt. Tom Lovejoy, a police officer from Arizona, was charged with the death of a fellow police officer: that of 5-year-old police dog Bandit. Lovejoy allegedly left Bandit in an enclosed car for 12 hours on a hot Arizona day with high temperatures exceeding 100 degrees while he was running errands and canoodling with his wife.

"I am certain Sgt. Lovejoy has suffered greatly from leaving his police dog in a sweltering car," Sheriff Joe Arpaio said in a statement.

I'm pretty sure the dog suffered more. Perhaps, Michael Vick will have a buddy who understands inside the pokey.

Related: Don't Kill Dogs: Part 1

Don't Steal Babies

One expects when shopping in Wal-Mart to have their sense of taste threatened by the hordes of hideous, lead-tainted home furnishing and clothing lines. You might also find your personal space susceptible at the sheer amount of people wandering around 2 feet wide aisles filled with cases of soup or brutally obese individuals riding in their diabetic Big Wheels. You may not expect to have a security guard intimidate you for toting around your infant while perusing the clustered aisles for random Chinese trinkets.

Meet Stacy. Stacy writes:

The next thing I know a security guard is asking me to hand him Ava. Evidentally someone in the store had their baby in a cart and someone rolled the cart away...

They are trying to tell me that Ava is not my child. She started fussing so I began taking her out of the seat. The whole time this security guard is asking me to "give him the baby". FUCK YOU! There was no way I was handing her over! I tried to walk away, leaving her car seat, the diaper bag, even my wallet...they blocked me! I am screaming for them to get the fuck away from me. I start crying, sobbing, just holding Ava near me. Everytime the security guard put his hands near her I shifted away. Ava is screaming at the top of her lungs by this time. I am screaming to get a manager.

The entire ordeal is detailed on Stacy's blog.

In the internet realm, there seems to be two schools of thought with this story. The first is that the store team overreacted and threatened a young mother who only then turned crazy hysterical to protect her child. The other camp feels that Stacy was being selfish and overreacted to the situation.

I would have to fall squarely in the first category. Having worked in retail, I can certainly understand the need to protect a child who may have wandered away or been taken by being diligent to ensure no one else takes that child out of the store. However, this situation certainly could have been handled with much more grace and tact as opposed to simply demanding a mother give up her child as the child could be the missing child in question. In all probability, there were other parents and young children in the store that day as well. Were those customers treated differently, did Stacy really overreact, or is this just the first we are hearing about it?

Yes, she acted in a rash manner by trying to grab the child out of the seat, leaving her belongings and just making a run for it. Such behavior could lead one to believe she had something to hide. As in nature, though, a mother will go to great lengths to protect her young.

As a parent myself, I would be highly irate, probably throw down a few choice words you won't find in Disney movies, and possibly escalate to a physical altercation if need be. If that were the case though, due to my scrawny stature and lack of physical prowess, I would probably be on the wrong end of a taser, foaming at the mouth and writhing on the floor of the local Wal-Mart.

Parenting will certainly screw you up for life in many, many ways.

Don't Be Entwined with Web 2.0

USA Today reports social networking site Facebook will be releasing the names and photos of its 40 million users available in search engines such as Google and Yahoo. This marks a change from actually having to take the extra steps to go to the Facebook website and search the same terms. Nonetheless, some are perturbed by this development.

"I'm amazed that they seem to be opting-in literally millions of people who never asked for Facebook to put listings out in the public," says Danny Sullivan, editor of SearchEngineLand.com and a Facebook user.

Admittedly, I may not be on the cutting edge of these social networking sites. I have a Myspace page to keep up with the few people from high school and afterwards that I care to keep contact with. Otherwise, I'm not trying to hunt down every single person I have had fleeting contact with to add to my already bloated "friend" list.

However, it was always my understanding that the point of social networking sites was ... for social networking. Crazy, I know. Why would you have any expectation of privacy or any objection to allowing those to find you on such sites if you signed up for that express purpose? There is always a way to opt-out and restrict your profiles to only those who have already made your list.

We already know that potential schools and employers look on Facebook and Myspace profiles for an unofficial assessment of a candidate. This just means that Aunt Betty or that creepy guy in Starbucks who overheard your name can retrieve the same information with ease.

Regardless, if there are any photos or videos from that week on Spring Break or at amateur night at the strip club, better be on the safe side and relegate them to the relative privacy of a blog that no one reads.

Don't Be Left Behind

On some level, you have to feel bad for Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Upton.

Two weeks ago, she was a 18-year-old living a relatively normal life. Now, she is the butt of jokes for many late night talk show hosts and forwarded inter-office emails.

"Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

This simple question from last week's Miss Teen USA pageant will probably haunt the southern belle for years to come. Her now infamous response of awkward stammers, pauses, and Valley Girl-style phrases was a rambling, incoherent abortion of grammar usage and logical thinking.

She responds:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children."

Now, it is understandable that she may not have heard or understood the question posed to her, she was nervous in front of the hundreds of people in the audience and watching at home, or is uncomfortable in public speaking. Of course, if any of these were true, Miss Upton certainly picked the wrong hobby to participate in. In fact, I will go to bat and say that sounds like a pretty odd question and I personally would like to see such "studies" that conclude that one-fifth of "U.S." Americans cannot locate their own country on a map.

However, what I find most frightening about this whole ordeal is the possibility (as demonstrated by Miss Upton) that young people now lack a very critical skill that should be fully ingrained into their impression minds at least once they reach high school: being able to bullshit. More so than proper sentence construction, isosceles triangles, or the periodic table, bullshitting is something that will be of great value to anyone over the age of six when faced with a question or problem that he or she does not know the first thing about, whether it be a personal, academic, or professional problem.

In my opinion, bullshitting is being able to spout out nonsense with confidence in hopes that whoever is asking will accept your fictitious answer and go away. Occasionally, you may be called on it but most are not confident enough in their intelligence to question an answer that may not make a lot of sense but is given with the confidence of an academic scholar.

In the future, this is something that Miss Teen South Carolina, as well as all young persons, need to work on to ensure their success in life. That is, of course if actually learning the appropriate material is out of the question.

Image © CBS

Follow up: Just like many of us thought, the question itself was bullshit.

Don't Kill Dogs

Mr. Vick,

What a tumultuous few weeks it has been for you! I cannot begin to understand the amount of pressure you have been under while being in the eye of public scrutiny. It seems that everyone in the country has been piling on to belittle and berate you based on one particular instance of bad judgment. The media seems to be flaunting every trivial development, the pundits are out to decry dog fighting in general, and your fans are turning their backs on you and destroying merchandise bearing your name.

This comes along with an indefinite suspension from the NFL, the Falcons organization jumping on the Vick-bashing bandwagon, and sponsorships dropping left and right. At the moment, you are facing financial ruin, no livelihood, and the probability of jail time for what happened.

Mr. Vick, I believe you are good person at heart and only plead guilty to the agreement to avoid a drawn-out trial process which likely would not have come out in your favor. Yes, the events in question may have taken place on your property, with your financing, involving your entourage, and under your guidance, but that surely does not mean you were totally responsible for it. After all, isn't dog fighting a cultural anomaly that outsiders cannot understand? Which southern tradition is next: grits, fried bologna, NASCAR?

I would have to agree with Tom Joyner that the punishment does not fit the crime. What you did was wrong, Michael, but jail time and no football? Quite a smidge excessive and it appears the prosecutors are trying to vilify you. After all, hasn’t this ordeal been bothersome enough for you? As it is now, you are a pariah and no one wants anything to do with you due to all the legal wrangling. I suppose time will tell if is temporary exile (Kobe) or more permanent (OJ). Besides, it’s not like you killed … well never mind that.

Hang tight, Vick! We’ll be anxiously awaiting your return to the public eye (that is if you ever leave)

/sarcasm


Image © of MSNBC

this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship ...

... but more than likely will just be a waste of the internet tubes.

I'll spare you the boring details of my life and just skip to where we are now.

I hate my job. You may say that is not uncommon as most people don't like their jobs. However, the level of hatred I have for the customers I deal with and the idiots I have to work for transcends mere dislike. It is more appropriate to say I despise my current position. Unfortunately, upon doing my part in increasing consumer debt and as a fraction of those households that live paycheck to paycheck, I really don't have any other alternatives.

As such, I have high hopes that this blog will act as catharsis for all the pent up anger and rage that I accumulate over the course of eight hours.

For the past 14 months, I have worked as a customer service rep at a call center for a piddly cell phone provider. It probably goes to say that most call center jobs are stressful and deal with the depths of human ignorance. I can't confirm not deny as this is my first, and God-willing last, job in such an environment. Normal calls can range from the simple ("What is my balance?") to the extreme ("Turn my motherf-ing phone back on now, retard!") and pretty much everything in between.

Most days, I feel like going home and drinking away the preceding horrendously bad day. As a matter of fact, that is what I do most of the time. My hope is that expressing my feelings will be a much more cost-effective manner of coping without the liver damage!

I suppose time will tell.