Some Ground Rules for Talking to Me

Idiots of the world, this is a helpful guide (a very short part 1 at that) to help you not be a tool and avoid the wrath of talking to me on the phone.

1) I will respect your time, so please do me the same favor. I don't go to your convenience store counter or fast food cooker and stand in front of you, preventing you from doing your menial tasks. However, when you call me and please me on hold or have a side conversation, you are inhibiting me from completing my menial task of assisting you. Get your shit in order before you call so I don't have to listen to you ruffle through a mountain of papers looking for a credit card receipt. And send your little hellions to play in the meth lab while you're complaining so I am not subjecting to "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KNOCK THE PISS OUTTA YOU!" twelve times in a call.

1a) "Just the facts, ma'am." This quote from Dragnet sums up what any business relationship should be based on: relevant, pithy nuggets of information that will help me help you get off my phone line. I may engage in some light banter if I'm stalling for time while looking up some information, but I really don't need to know what you do in your free time, why your daughter is grounded, how long you've been unemployed (or why you got fired to lead to so much free time), or your personal medical history. There are some instances where these are helpful hints but mostly you are giving me more information that I care to know, or even need to know. So, you will freely tell me your life story, but when I ask you to verify the last four digits of your social security number, which I already have by the way, you refuse because you think someone can do all sorts of nefarious things with less than half of your SSN. If your payment history with us is a good indication, they wouldn't want to steal your identity.

2) Look up the definition of enunciate before you call and adhere to that. For those too lazy to navigate there, it essentially means talk without shit in your mouth and lifting your tongue when you speak. I can't understand garbled jibberish and while its good that you can't see me roll my eyes at your idiocy, that also means I can't get you to scratch out on the back of your betting slip what you really want. If you speak a foreign language more fluently, either slow down and articulate your words or ask for a damn translator so I don't have to ask you five times to repeat yourself state that you want to make a payment. This also goes for giving me series of numbers like a credit card. When you blow through numbers saying, "four-ten, fifty-five, eighteen" at great speeds, your poor speech pattern leads me to type 14 instead of four, one, zero before I have to delete the numbers and try to catch back up. I am hopeful you can count beyond ten, but I don't need you to prove it. Just give me the numbers individually.

3) Understand that your imagination does not apply to me. Just because you are deluded enough to think something can happen doesn't necessary mean it can be. We are not Build-a-Plan Wireless where you can magically pull numbers out of your ass for us to accommodate. If I don't have a plan with 1500 minutes, unlimited text, and free directory assistance calls for $20.00 a month, than you cannot have that. Look at your choices within the realm of reality and go from there. Please know that not all phones are available with all companies. Just like you cannot go into a McDonald's and order a Whopper with a Frosty, I cannot give you a product we don't sell. Sure, just like McDonald's has a Quarter Pounder, I may have something comparable but not exactly the same. Lastly, I don't have a magic wand to fix all of your problems in the blink of an eye so if we have to sit for ten minutes to figure something out, don't get all pissed off. I certainly don't want to be on the phone with you any longer than necessary. And ... you called me, remember?

English is Dead

Ah, my old friend. You have treated us well. You have given us the means to communicate effectively with a worldwide standard that few other languages can match. Yes, you may be awkwardly shoe-horned into television series and films that really have no business featuring you, but alas, you have stayed strong, knowing that you will prevail in the long run.

I am troubled to tell you, the English language, you have been jettisoned for a series of grunts and noises that merely sound similar to your sweeping vernacular. Gone are the days of enuciation and grammar, replaced with words and phrases that, while attrocious to your legacy, have been taken with an attitude of "Horseshoes and Hand-grenades" to let these insults to your memory by with nary a mention.

You will always remain my close friend, even in your absense. While your words have been effectively ripped from the loins of the human vocabulary, know that I will always keep you in my heart. It pleases me to bring up your deepest and most forgotten constituents to showcase confusion in those who did not believe in you. I thought that with many centuries under your belt, you would outlast us all, showering our loved ones with graciousness and tact. Sadly, all I have to offer you in your parting is the promise of vengence.

I will not sit idly by and watch while your memory is defecated on by those who abandoned you because you were foreign to their tongue. Every day, I will avenge your honor in the form of loquaciousness to the fools who neglected you for their own mediocre replacements. As they cast you aside for their own ignorance, I will cast them aside for their asininity. There will be a great conflict, but I am certain that you will prevail yet again. You will rise to the throne and show the infidels that you are to be feared, lest they be left behind in a dour world of pain and mockery.

There shall be no doubt: ENGLISH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!

Don't Misuse the Voicemail Greeting

Last night at work, I had to attempt to call a customer on his phone to follow up with his account. The phone did not ring and went straight to his voicemail greeting.

While most people use voicemail as a purgatory of sorts for people they really don't want to talk to, some use it for really stupid purposes. You have those who think the Sarah Conner in the orignal Terminator film left a fine message and subsequently piss you off when you hear:

Hello? Hello?!? Fooled you! You're talking to a machine.

You have others who decide spending $1 per month on those ringing tones is too much and use the voicemail greeting for a piss-poor quality recording of the new Fall Out Boy song.

Bringing things back to a point, my customer last night had a voicemail greeting consisting of only the following:

If you a bill collector, stop calling. I ain't got it.

So, not only does this tell anyone else who calls that you are probably a deadbeat, it tells these debt collectors of your unwillingness to pay.

I doubt though that will stop the deluge of calls from Entertainment Weekly and Verizon about those delinquent accounts.

Paying them certainly would though.

Don't Drag Everyone Else Down

Idaho Senator Larry Craig clearly has no conscience.

Shortly after pleading guilty to charges stemming from being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a Minnesota airport, Craig stated he would be resigning from his elected position. Then, he apparently had a change of heart and attempted to withdraw his guilty plea.

Even as the request to rescind his plea has been declined, Craig has rejected the notion of leaving with a shred of dignity and stated he would fulfill the remainder of his term.

“As I continued to work for Idaho over the past three weeks here in the Senate, I have seen that it is possible for me to work here effectively,” Mr. Craig said in his statement, saying that he believed he could do more for his state than an interim replacement.

We have to give credit to Senator Craig for bringing more awareness to his state and it is likely that he would be able to further tarnish the reputation of elected officials in general far more than a temporary replacement.

Don't Burn Your House Down

A Greensboro, NC family is looking for a new place to take up residence after a fire at their home. The fire caused around $80,000 in damage to the home, which has been condemned until the necessary repairs can be completed but fortunately no one was hurt in the incident. It is also worth mentioning the family patriarch was responsible for the blaze.

Hugh Williams apparently does not appreciate mother nature and all her minions. Williams' home was infested with yellow jackets impervious to normal bug spray that Williams used to rid the domicile of the insects. When that failed, Williams did the next logical thing, lighting a piece of paper on fire and sticking it in the hole where the yellow jackets were. Not-quite hilarity ensued as the flame traveled into the house and attic causing the damage.

Most of us can understand the dislike of insects encroaching on the sanctity of our homes. However, it the unfortunate event of an infestation, there are certainly more sensible ways of elimination other than making yourself homeless. Next time, call an exterminator and be done with it. You'll be paying someone else to take care of the problem leaving your more time for future brilliant brainstorming sessions.

Of course, if you have a desire to blow something up, a spacious backyard, lots of flammable materials, and a hoard of bees hanging around, see here.

Don't Forsake Your Personal Information

One would assume in this day and age that most people should be wary of being ripped off or have their identity or personal information stolen. With the way identity theft has been touted and warned of on the news, most should have an idea of some steps to limit the risk. Simple protective steps such as shredding trash and documents with sensitive information, using encrypted sites to give login and password information for email and finances, and not giving out your Social Security number are all fine ways to prevent such an occurrence.

With all this in mind, why would anyone in their right mind give out their name, address, and Social Security number to someone who cold-called to sell a new cell phone plan? Apparently, she did not think it was odd that someone who called, posing as a sales rep, invited her to sign up for service with a company she had no previous dealings with and needed her personal information to process the claim. This woman was scammed up and down and is likely in the middle of purchasing numerous big ticket items from Wal-Mart.

Now, I can understand and appreciate discretion with releasing that information to any company. While I am not a Social Security number nazi like some who absolutely refuse to divulge it ever, I hesitate at putting my number to use as a login to an employer to even apply for a job, as illustrated below.

Of course, if you cannot understand why everyone and their priest is telling you not to give out your information, and you do anyway, perhaps you won't care when the Mercedes dealer comes to repossess a car you don't have.