People I Am Sick to Death of Hearing About

There are a very few "news" shows that I watch on a fairly regular occasion as I feel most "news" rarely portray information without spinning it to either a political agenda or for entertainment. The 24-hour cycle of news has lead to a sickening overexposure to everything as there has to be thousands of show hours devoted to stupid crap like the Balloon Boy. As such, here is my list of people I pray will drop off the face of the earth really fucking soon.

1) Tiger Woods. Granted, I care absolutely nothing about golf, but I don't remember hearing this much about Tiger when he first emerged a few years ago. It seems like his whole career has been eclipsed by whatever bullshit is going on. Was he beaten? Was he drunk? Is he going to get a moving violation? Who was that old lady in his house? Who cares? I don't really mind the invasion of his privacy (though I'm sure he does), but I don't need to know every minute detail of the man's life now that he's had an affair or an apparent bad driver. I'm sure there are other celebrities to stalk who have more interesting nonsense going on.

2) The White House Crashers. I am so done with these people, I don't even know their names. I know they come from Virginia (at least Northern Virginia) and they lied about having invitations (or not) and knowing the governor (or not), and they want a reality show. You know, go ahead and give these jackasses a show on Bravo. In fact, send them to whatever cave the great John Gulager from Project Greenlight is hiding in.

3) US Senators and other random politicians. When I was in 12th grade government class, the principles of the workings of our republic system enamored me. That was right around the 2000 elections and I stayed close on politics since. Now, less than ten years later, I am disenfranchised and want to through the whole thing out and start over. Mainly, because I'm sick of people from all walks and all political perspectives bitch about one thing or another. I know nothing will ever change this, but I am sick of politicians. There's a reason they have a bad rap. At least lawyers get you off of stuff from time to time.

Don't About Forget Mike Tyson

With all the recent happenings in the O.J. Simpson chronicles, it is easy to forget one of the other bad boys of the sports world: Mike Tyson.

Yes, the lobe-ravaging fiend of the beat-the-crap-out-of-you school of rock has plead guilty to the possession of cocaine and DUI stemming from an incident last December in Arizona. As Tyson was leaving a bar, he was pulled over after almost hitting a police car where it was discovered Tyson was more than just a bad driver.

Tyson could be looking at more than a slap on the wrist for this latest incident. Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas said:

"He has run out of second chances, at least in my book. I believe some period of incarceration is necessary to help this man break his self-described addiction to cocaine and to protect the public."

Well, we all know how well Tyson's last date behind bars for rape in 1992 helped rehabilitate him and correct his mental deficiencies. At the very least, Tyson should be able to hold his own in a prison riot, provided there aren't any Evander Holyfield fans in the crowd.

Don't Ride with Jack Bauer

Another day, another story about an inebriated celebrity cruising around town. Don't these people make enough money to hire a chauffeur or call a cab?

Keifer Sutherland was arrested in Hollywood early Tuesday morning for driving under the influence. He later posted the paltry bail amount of $25,000 and merrily skipped out to rule the world another day.

Perhaps, Kiefer drinking on the job may improve this upcoming season of 24 if he and the writers were to partake in enough to come up with new story lines, not retreads of previous years. Or maybe this is a plot point worth looking into: 24 Hour Drunk Tank. Either way, it can't be much worse than Season 6 was.

Don't Cut the Juice Loose

It should be apparent now that O.J. Simpson is a menace to society. First, he was facing double murder charges. Now, he is charged with the alleged robbery of a sports memorabilia dealer. Perhaps O.J., on his quest to find "the real killer," became bored and decided to branch out into different areas of lawlessness.

Simpson does not deny that he was in the Palace Station Hotel and Casino room that night. He states though he was merely going to collect his own personal artifacts that were stolen. You have to give him credit at least for a semi-plausible argument.

What's next for O.J.? Jaywalking? Parking in a handicap space at the Sav-A-Lot? Sure, the crimes are decreasing in seriousness, but someone needs to stop this man before he resorts to littering or spitting on kittens.

Don't Kill Dogs

Mr. Vick,

What a tumultuous few weeks it has been for you! I cannot begin to understand the amount of pressure you have been under while being in the eye of public scrutiny. It seems that everyone in the country has been piling on to belittle and berate you based on one particular instance of bad judgment. The media seems to be flaunting every trivial development, the pundits are out to decry dog fighting in general, and your fans are turning their backs on you and destroying merchandise bearing your name.

This comes along with an indefinite suspension from the NFL, the Falcons organization jumping on the Vick-bashing bandwagon, and sponsorships dropping left and right. At the moment, you are facing financial ruin, no livelihood, and the probability of jail time for what happened.

Mr. Vick, I believe you are good person at heart and only plead guilty to the agreement to avoid a drawn-out trial process which likely would not have come out in your favor. Yes, the events in question may have taken place on your property, with your financing, involving your entourage, and under your guidance, but that surely does not mean you were totally responsible for it. After all, isn't dog fighting a cultural anomaly that outsiders cannot understand? Which southern tradition is next: grits, fried bologna, NASCAR?

I would have to agree with Tom Joyner that the punishment does not fit the crime. What you did was wrong, Michael, but jail time and no football? Quite a smidge excessive and it appears the prosecutors are trying to vilify you. After all, hasn’t this ordeal been bothersome enough for you? As it is now, you are a pariah and no one wants anything to do with you due to all the legal wrangling. I suppose time will tell if is temporary exile (Kobe) or more permanent (OJ). Besides, it’s not like you killed … well never mind that.

Hang tight, Vick! We’ll be anxiously awaiting your return to the public eye (that is if you ever leave)

/sarcasm


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