Some Ground Rules for Talking to Me

Idiots of the world, this is a helpful guide (a very short part 1 at that) to help you not be a tool and avoid the wrath of talking to me on the phone.

1) I will respect your time, so please do me the same favor. I don't go to your convenience store counter or fast food cooker and stand in front of you, preventing you from doing your menial tasks. However, when you call me and please me on hold or have a side conversation, you are inhibiting me from completing my menial task of assisting you. Get your shit in order before you call so I don't have to listen to you ruffle through a mountain of papers looking for a credit card receipt. And send your little hellions to play in the meth lab while you're complaining so I am not subjecting to "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KNOCK THE PISS OUTTA YOU!" twelve times in a call.

1a) "Just the facts, ma'am." This quote from Dragnet sums up what any business relationship should be based on: relevant, pithy nuggets of information that will help me help you get off my phone line. I may engage in some light banter if I'm stalling for time while looking up some information, but I really don't need to know what you do in your free time, why your daughter is grounded, how long you've been unemployed (or why you got fired to lead to so much free time), or your personal medical history. There are some instances where these are helpful hints but mostly you are giving me more information that I care to know, or even need to know. So, you will freely tell me your life story, but when I ask you to verify the last four digits of your social security number, which I already have by the way, you refuse because you think someone can do all sorts of nefarious things with less than half of your SSN. If your payment history with us is a good indication, they wouldn't want to steal your identity.

2) Look up the definition of enunciate before you call and adhere to that. For those too lazy to navigate there, it essentially means talk without shit in your mouth and lifting your tongue when you speak. I can't understand garbled jibberish and while its good that you can't see me roll my eyes at your idiocy, that also means I can't get you to scratch out on the back of your betting slip what you really want. If you speak a foreign language more fluently, either slow down and articulate your words or ask for a damn translator so I don't have to ask you five times to repeat yourself state that you want to make a payment. This also goes for giving me series of numbers like a credit card. When you blow through numbers saying, "four-ten, fifty-five, eighteen" at great speeds, your poor speech pattern leads me to type 14 instead of four, one, zero before I have to delete the numbers and try to catch back up. I am hopeful you can count beyond ten, but I don't need you to prove it. Just give me the numbers individually.

3) Understand that your imagination does not apply to me. Just because you are deluded enough to think something can happen doesn't necessary mean it can be. We are not Build-a-Plan Wireless where you can magically pull numbers out of your ass for us to accommodate. If I don't have a plan with 1500 minutes, unlimited text, and free directory assistance calls for $20.00 a month, than you cannot have that. Look at your choices within the realm of reality and go from there. Please know that not all phones are available with all companies. Just like you cannot go into a McDonald's and order a Whopper with a Frosty, I cannot give you a product we don't sell. Sure, just like McDonald's has a Quarter Pounder, I may have something comparable but not exactly the same. Lastly, I don't have a magic wand to fix all of your problems in the blink of an eye so if we have to sit for ten minutes to figure something out, don't get all pissed off. I certainly don't want to be on the phone with you any longer than necessary. And ... you called me, remember?

Don't Give Yourself a Brain Tumor

I spoke with a customer today who was upset that his account had been flagged as non-profitable. Generally, these designations are reserved for people who use their phones more often than not on another carrier's towers. Since we still have to pay that carrier their roaming dues, we are stuck with an account that is depleting the ever present "bottom-line."

On occasion however, unprofitable accounts can be flagged for another joy we call "excessive usage." What is excessive? How is this arbitrary term defined? Why can't Sunnis and Shiites live together in harmony? Find out these answers and more! (And by more I mean the first two but not necessarily the third).

We offer calling plans that are unlimited in the sense that you don't pay additional provided you follow all the rules of your plan. Granted, all that is not spelled out in promotional marketing (although it should be), but one would assume unlimited within reason. What is reasonable for an unlimited plan? Most people I've had the "pleasure" of coming across have had approximately 2000-4000 minutes used per month. That equates to around 33 to 66 hours per month. While it certainly seems excessive for most, those figures are not outside of the norm that we might see. Some may take it a step further, racking up around 6000 to 10,000 minutes per month, representing 100 or more hours per month. That's a lot of talking! However, this still does not raise the bean counter's red flags of hemorrhaging money.

This man I met today had a monthly average anywhere between 12,000 and 15,000 minutes per month. That's 250 hours per month, corresponding to about 8 hours a day on the phone. However, one month, the bill reflected 22,237 total minutes used over a standard thirty (30!) day billing period made up in 2,861 total calls. As we break that down, that is 370 total hours of talking per month which breaks down to 12.5 hours per day on the phone.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is excessive.

When you talk on the phone more than I do, keeping in mind that I converse on the phone for a career(?), you know you have a problem. I certainly hope his lower-level dealers weren't causing trouble or ripping him off or else he'd likely talk you to death ... and probably then go after your Auntie.

Don't Neglect Your Bills

As you will see, I am not referring to ex-Presidents which a penchant for dirty deeds in the Oval Office. I am however referring to those pesky compressed wood pulp planes that come in the mail indicating you owe someone for something.

In general, we enjoy receiving mail when it is birthday cards, holiday cards, get well cards or some other correspondence personally created for you. Bills, however fall into an entirely different category. No one likes them. No one wants to pay them. Everyone would rather chuck them in a desk drawer and forget they ever existed. Unfortunately, if you do that, you receive bigger bills which is not good either.

Reviewing bills of course gives you the opportunity to ... actually see what you are paying for. A novel idea, I know. You get to determine if you are being charged what you should be, if your plans or packages have changed, or if there is a legitimate billing error that you should not be responsible for. Most companies however have a time frame that you can dispute a bill if you do not agree with it, usually around 30-60 days. After that time, if you don't agree with it, tough. You should have picked it up before.

Excerpt from T-Mobile Terms & Conditions:

Incorrect Charges. If you believe your bill contains an incorrect charge, you have 60 days from the date of the first bill that contains the charge to notify us or you waive any right to dispute the charge. To notify us, please contact Customer Care at www.t-mobile.com, (800) 937-8997, or 611 from your Phone. We may require you to describe the dispute in writing.

Bonus Tip: If for some reason, you don't receive a bill one month, don't interpret that to mean you aren't responsible for charges listed on the invoice lining the bottom of your mail carrier's bird cage. Instead, you can be proactive and contact the business directly or the post office to check the status of delivery. After all, you surely didn't forget to use the service that month too.

Don't Fade Away

Whenever you are working in an unstable environment, you always hear rumors that may be weighted down in credence but never really appreciate the forbearing said rumors may give. No matter how much you may dislike a job, it is still your job which provides food, shelter, cars, fine women, alcoholic beverages, pinball tables, and essentials like that. Imagine my chagrin yesterday as I arrived at work, checked my email, and discovered the company I work for will not be around too much longer.

As announced to the world (as well as to us low-level employees), SunCom Wireless has reached an agreement to be acquired by T-Mobile. Yes, the writing has been on the walls for years and was even discussed in my training class. The primary area that SunCom covers is a major area that T-Mobile does not. Both companies operate the same network technology and even have similar product offerings. SunCom had hundreds of millions in debt and hemorrhaging funds left and right. It was even announced earlier this year that the company would explore other "alternatives" to improve its financial situation.

None of this is a shock.

Soon, SunCom will be no more than a distant memory as it is swallowed up like so many other companies before. SunCom will exist only as a thorn in the side of existing T-Mobile employees as they have to learn and decipher about 200 new rate plans in the possession of SunCom customers and in the archives of the internet, filed under the little company that tried to provide unique and substantial means of business but could not compete in its industry and was subsequently gobbled up like leftovers after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the big-wigs of both companies are applauding the agreement (likely as well as those SunCom customers who keep up with this type of thing), leaving employees of the acquired company wondering exactly when in the process they will be left with little more than their personal trinkets that once littered their desks as they are shuttled out amidst the masses to start anew.

I then suppose the silver-lining to all this would be two-fold. First, my last day might come sooner than it otherwise would have, allowing my argumentative side to retreat and allow the peace of life to flourish. Second, I'll have more excess time to devote to my real passion: professional beer tester.