English is Dead

Ah, my old friend. You have treated us well. You have given us the means to communicate effectively with a worldwide standard that few other languages can match. Yes, you may be awkwardly shoe-horned into television series and films that really have no business featuring you, but alas, you have stayed strong, knowing that you will prevail in the long run.

I am troubled to tell you, the English language, you have been jettisoned for a series of grunts and noises that merely sound similar to your sweeping vernacular. Gone are the days of enuciation and grammar, replaced with words and phrases that, while attrocious to your legacy, have been taken with an attitude of "Horseshoes and Hand-grenades" to let these insults to your memory by with nary a mention.

You will always remain my close friend, even in your absense. While your words have been effectively ripped from the loins of the human vocabulary, know that I will always keep you in my heart. It pleases me to bring up your deepest and most forgotten constituents to showcase confusion in those who did not believe in you. I thought that with many centuries under your belt, you would outlast us all, showering our loved ones with graciousness and tact. Sadly, all I have to offer you in your parting is the promise of vengence.

I will not sit idly by and watch while your memory is defecated on by those who abandoned you because you were foreign to their tongue. Every day, I will avenge your honor in the form of loquaciousness to the fools who neglected you for their own mediocre replacements. As they cast you aside for their own ignorance, I will cast them aside for their asininity. There will be a great conflict, but I am certain that you will prevail yet again. You will rise to the throne and show the infidels that you are to be feared, lest they be left behind in a dour world of pain and mockery.

There shall be no doubt: ENGLISH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!

13-year-old Girls of All Ages Weep

Having worked in the industry, I really have no patience or sympathy for people who bitch about cell phones.

Call it jaded, bitter, or whatever, but I can safely say I've heard 99% of the b-s that comes out of people's mouths in defense of whatever credit or phone they are trying to get. Even when a legitamate issue happens, my heart turns to stone and I spit venom at any toddler or panhandler in my vicinity.

Sidekicks, the phone not the stupid comic book plot, have been popular for years attracting celebrities, tween girls, and wannabes for both categories. As with many phone platforms, Sidekick data service went out over a week ago as has been steadily coming back, even if all the user data didn't make the return flight.

While it's a sucky situation, T-Mobile has now confirmed credits will be issued to any affected users ranging from a month of service to $100 for something that is ultimately Microsoft's fault.

So, given this situation, the next time my car breaks down, I am totally going after Wawa for $500 in free gas!

Another Year, Another Missed ScreamFest

Sometimes I feel cursed.

I first learned of ScreamFest (or Ultimate Horror Weekend) from a friend who lives in Orlando. The prospect of a convention-type atmosphere with fellow horror nuts, complete with celebrity appearances, screenings, and a tattoo room (!) kicked off by a zombie walk on the first day was delightful. That was the place I wanted to be.

2008, I was set to go. My itinerary was set, bags were packed, and the vehicle was full of fuel. However, it was not meant to be as family issues that surfaced a mere days before the shindig prevented me from attending. This year, an unfortunate deficit in my spreadsheet killed the joy of visiting the great state of Florida.

::Sigh::

So, I missed out on seeing Danielle Harris, Linda Blair, and the apparently canceled appearance of George Romero. Maybe that last one was calculated if the new Survival of the Dead was as horrible as Diary of the Dead.

Oh well. 2010 brings promise. At least more so than the shit-storm this year has been. Here's to looking forward!

I Can Haz Horror?

Finally a decent looking horror movie getting decent enough recognition.

The tiny budget film, Paranormal Activity which been inching closer to a nationwide release since its limited release a few years ago is slamming into theaters Friday, the 16th thanks not only to the one million fan demands as well as a $7 million weekend despite playing in only 160 theaters nationwide.

In this economic time of having -$0 disposable income, I will definitely whore myself for a few hours to be able to see the most hyped horror film this year (if not this decade). It better be worth my dignity though.

Bloody-Disgusting.com: Wait, Wait, 'Paranormal' Made $7m This Weekend?

A Gift Perfect for Christmas in Siberia

We all know that Hoth is a fictional planet (right?), but in reality the weather can get rather cold and geeks don't have anyone to sleep with.

Enter the Tauntaun sleeping bag!

No longer will the nights of frostbite and solace triumph. The mighty Tauntaun with its horrendous smelling insides will gladly encompass you in a womb full of warmth and the feeling on an intimate relationship with something that has hair.

Plus, it's a steal at $99.99 and it won't tie you up to the bedposts and steal your credit cards!

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag: thinkgeek.com

(The above snark does not apply to 11-year-olds like pictured above, or at least not yet.)

$2000 Worth of Poo

If you are like me, the thought of those swimming through their vaults of dimes and pennies makes you sick. Not at the actual prospect of a nickel and zinc bath per se, but the fact that you do not have one of your own.

If you are one of those pricks with ample money to blow on stupid crap, feast your eyes on this:



Yes, the Motorola AURA (aka WTF ARE YOU THINKING!!!) has stereo Bluetooth, a Swiss-made bearing, and a bunch of other shit I don't understand the point of in a phone.

I have high hopes for Motorola with the CLIQ but if I happen to see anyone carrying this, I will punch them squarely in the genitalia.

Motorola.com: AURA™ by Motorola

Stars of the Week: 7/5/2009

Here is a celebration of various stories deemed worthy enough to have a star in my Google Reader.

Consumerist: E.U. Agrees To Universal Standard For Phone Chargers
Nice in theory, but then I would have to change out all of my mini-USB cords and freakin' Apple products probably still wouldn't apply. Get on the ball Steve!

Variety: BET Awards salutes Michael Jackson
Does anything about Michael Jackson really belong on BET anymore? Just asking ...

FT.com: Deficit forces California to issue IOUs
Why am I reminded of the scene in Dumb and Dumber with the briefcase full of slips of paper?

Happy Independence Day!

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend and for those of you like myself who are working, enjoy that time and a half!