Ultimate Rant o' Cell Phone Customers (Part I)

These are some of my pet-peeves when it comes to people and cell phones. As the original just kept growing with rage, I decided to break it into several installments.

Overage
Personally, I have had four different cell phone companies over the course of the past ten years or so. I'd imagine most people have either also had several different companies or a phone for quite some time. Yet, some things that are common with every other company in the industry seem to jump out and surprise people before peeing on their couch and stealing the beer in the fridge. Unless you have an unlimited minute plan, you know you have a set amount of minutes you can use in a given period, roughly thirty days. If you exceed these minutes, you are charged extra. While the price you pay per minute may vary, the basic concept has been around since the advent of cell phones. The same concept has since been expanded to text message and internet usage. Bottom-line, if you’re not paying for unlimited, you take that risk. Plan accordingly.

Taxes
Rarely do I see people complain that their McDouble was not an even dollar as most people seem to understand that you pay taxes on most things you buy at a store. Unfortunately, these same people don’t seem to apply the same logic to services like cell phone service. If you are upset that your bill is not a nice, round $49.99, you are an idiot and you need to complain to your congressman or other elected official as your beef is with the gummint, not the company that is forced to collect these taxes. The same thing applies to regulatory fees like those to provide emergency services with your location if you have an emergency. You may not use these on a daily basis, but you’re going to be paying for them regardless and you’d probably be pissed if you died in a frozen tundra or were mauled by mutated cannibals in West Virginia because no one found you.

Changing Companies
Certainly you remember when you messed up, your previous company refused to remove accurate charges from your bill, so you decided to stick it to them and go somewhere else. If this seems fuzzy, certainly you can see that your phone is now different and your bill has another company’s name at the top? All of this means what you paid for, what your plan was, or what that last company did is no longer relevant. Your last company may have given you free phones every third day because you were so awesome, but we don’t. You may have been able to go four months without paying a bill before, but now you can’t. Your plan may have included free incoming calls, unlimited text messages included, and complimentary psychiatric service, but you opted to leave that company. I’m not sure why you would, but don’t assume that your current service is just like your last one. As we illustrated before, it’s not.

What's in a EULA?

As I was creating a new GMail account last week for the best movie website ever, I got to thinking about the oft-overlooked end user license agreement, or EULA. You may not know the term, but you've no doubt come across a encyclopedia-type document when installing a new program or signing up for a service account online. Theoretically, this verbiage will let you know what you can and cannot do with the program, what rights the developer has, and all sorts of additional boring information. I say theoretically because I seriously doubt anyone has ever read a single one of these in its entirety.

For the GMail EULA, out of sheer curiosity I copied and pasted the text into a Word document and out came 14 pages! Granted, the paragraphs did have a healthy space in between them so in actuality it may be about nine pages instead. While nine pages isn't War and Peace, it does represent a whole lot more time than I care to invest in setting up a simple email account. Now, there may be pertinent information in there as to how the harvested data is used and secured and if Google reserves the right to your first born if its lust for world domination isn't enough but I don't really care enough to read it. At least there isn't a pop quiz at the end.

People I Am Sick to Death of Hearing About

There are a very few "news" shows that I watch on a fairly regular occasion as I feel most "news" rarely portray information without spinning it to either a political agenda or for entertainment. The 24-hour cycle of news has lead to a sickening overexposure to everything as there has to be thousands of show hours devoted to stupid crap like the Balloon Boy. As such, here is my list of people I pray will drop off the face of the earth really fucking soon.

1) Tiger Woods. Granted, I care absolutely nothing about golf, but I don't remember hearing this much about Tiger when he first emerged a few years ago. It seems like his whole career has been eclipsed by whatever bullshit is going on. Was he beaten? Was he drunk? Is he going to get a moving violation? Who was that old lady in his house? Who cares? I don't really mind the invasion of his privacy (though I'm sure he does), but I don't need to know every minute detail of the man's life now that he's had an affair or an apparent bad driver. I'm sure there are other celebrities to stalk who have more interesting nonsense going on.

2) The White House Crashers. I am so done with these people, I don't even know their names. I know they come from Virginia (at least Northern Virginia) and they lied about having invitations (or not) and knowing the governor (or not), and they want a reality show. You know, go ahead and give these jackasses a show on Bravo. In fact, send them to whatever cave the great John Gulager from Project Greenlight is hiding in.

3) US Senators and other random politicians. When I was in 12th grade government class, the principles of the workings of our republic system enamored me. That was right around the 2000 elections and I stayed close on politics since. Now, less than ten years later, I am disenfranchised and want to through the whole thing out and start over. Mainly, because I'm sick of people from all walks and all political perspectives bitch about one thing or another. I know nothing will ever change this, but I am sick of politicians. There's a reason they have a bad rap. At least lawyers get you off of stuff from time to time.

Some Ground Rules for Talking to Me

Idiots of the world, this is a helpful guide (a very short part 1 at that) to help you not be a tool and avoid the wrath of talking to me on the phone.

1) I will respect your time, so please do me the same favor. I don't go to your convenience store counter or fast food cooker and stand in front of you, preventing you from doing your menial tasks. However, when you call me and please me on hold or have a side conversation, you are inhibiting me from completing my menial task of assisting you. Get your shit in order before you call so I don't have to listen to you ruffle through a mountain of papers looking for a credit card receipt. And send your little hellions to play in the meth lab while you're complaining so I am not subjecting to "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KNOCK THE PISS OUTTA YOU!" twelve times in a call.

1a) "Just the facts, ma'am." This quote from Dragnet sums up what any business relationship should be based on: relevant, pithy nuggets of information that will help me help you get off my phone line. I may engage in some light banter if I'm stalling for time while looking up some information, but I really don't need to know what you do in your free time, why your daughter is grounded, how long you've been unemployed (or why you got fired to lead to so much free time), or your personal medical history. There are some instances where these are helpful hints but mostly you are giving me more information that I care to know, or even need to know. So, you will freely tell me your life story, but when I ask you to verify the last four digits of your social security number, which I already have by the way, you refuse because you think someone can do all sorts of nefarious things with less than half of your SSN. If your payment history with us is a good indication, they wouldn't want to steal your identity.

2) Look up the definition of enunciate before you call and adhere to that. For those too lazy to navigate there, it essentially means talk without shit in your mouth and lifting your tongue when you speak. I can't understand garbled jibberish and while its good that you can't see me roll my eyes at your idiocy, that also means I can't get you to scratch out on the back of your betting slip what you really want. If you speak a foreign language more fluently, either slow down and articulate your words or ask for a damn translator so I don't have to ask you five times to repeat yourself state that you want to make a payment. This also goes for giving me series of numbers like a credit card. When you blow through numbers saying, "four-ten, fifty-five, eighteen" at great speeds, your poor speech pattern leads me to type 14 instead of four, one, zero before I have to delete the numbers and try to catch back up. I am hopeful you can count beyond ten, but I don't need you to prove it. Just give me the numbers individually.

3) Understand that your imagination does not apply to me. Just because you are deluded enough to think something can happen doesn't necessary mean it can be. We are not Build-a-Plan Wireless where you can magically pull numbers out of your ass for us to accommodate. If I don't have a plan with 1500 minutes, unlimited text, and free directory assistance calls for $20.00 a month, than you cannot have that. Look at your choices within the realm of reality and go from there. Please know that not all phones are available with all companies. Just like you cannot go into a McDonald's and order a Whopper with a Frosty, I cannot give you a product we don't sell. Sure, just like McDonald's has a Quarter Pounder, I may have something comparable but not exactly the same. Lastly, I don't have a magic wand to fix all of your problems in the blink of an eye so if we have to sit for ten minutes to figure something out, don't get all pissed off. I certainly don't want to be on the phone with you any longer than necessary. And ... you called me, remember?

Yeah, Fees Suck. We Get It

People love to complain. They complain about anything they feel with no regard to if it is a valid argument or if they are merely talking out of their ass. Hell, I complain but I usually try to withhold such activities for things that deserve it, unlike this Gizmodo article crying about early termination fees for cell phone companies.

Fees are seemingly common for most service companies, at least the ones that I am familiar with. After much pressure from the FCC, cell phone companies began prorating early termination fees, or the fee you would pay to break the legally binding document you signed to start service. Apparently that is not enough as more are calling for additional government regulation for these charges. But, I have a real simple solution if you don't like the prospect of an early termination fee: don't sign a g-d contract. Imagine if you were able to switch companies with ease, not having to worry about waiting a predetermined length of time, with no additional fee for switching other than what you pay for your monthly rate. Wouldn't it be nice if there were such a thing?

Now, I'm not a big proponent of fees like paying money to pay a bill, not with a person but with an automated system or online. But, when you agree to do business with a company, you are agreeing to deal with that company, their fees, their policies, and everything else. You can't sign up for a service, wait six months, and then complain about the very thing that was detailed in your inital documentation because it no longer is beneficial for you. Sure, you can go to someone else, but chances are they have the same exact business practices as well. Is it right? Not really. Is that life? Yep.

So, if you want to avoid fees, look for alternative companies if any exist. If none do, start your own. If the previous two suggestions are too terribly hard, then STFU and pay your bill. Maybe if you get enough ill-informed people like you, you can lobby your congressman or a special-interest group and get the government to step in. At that rate, every industry will be regulated to death with many companies going out of business which will then lead to reduced competition and more bitching. So ... choose wisely.

Why I Hate the Music Industry

Back when I was a wee lad and Napster had first emerged, for all the fun I had finding songs from the radio, acoustic tracks, and bands recommended by friends, I felt a tinge of guilt for illegally downloading songs that some of my favorite bands had spent much time and effort on making. Then, as more and more came out about the music industry, the RIAA and their sue-happy legal team, and the fact that bands don't make dick unless they are super popular made me that much more jaded and more willing to download those tracks (even though I neeeever do anymore).

While a bit of a lengthy read, this article lends credence to the fact that record companies suck for consumers even less than they suck for the bands themselves. Admittedly, I have no idea if this piece is accurate or even applicable to most bands, but if the math is as stated, you'd be better off downloading an album off the internet and mailing your favorite band a check for $5 to split between the members. At least at that point, the record company isn't in the mix to mess everything up.

English is Dead

Ah, my old friend. You have treated us well. You have given us the means to communicate effectively with a worldwide standard that few other languages can match. Yes, you may be awkwardly shoe-horned into television series and films that really have no business featuring you, but alas, you have stayed strong, knowing that you will prevail in the long run.

I am troubled to tell you, the English language, you have been jettisoned for a series of grunts and noises that merely sound similar to your sweeping vernacular. Gone are the days of enuciation and grammar, replaced with words and phrases that, while attrocious to your legacy, have been taken with an attitude of "Horseshoes and Hand-grenades" to let these insults to your memory by with nary a mention.

You will always remain my close friend, even in your absense. While your words have been effectively ripped from the loins of the human vocabulary, know that I will always keep you in my heart. It pleases me to bring up your deepest and most forgotten constituents to showcase confusion in those who did not believe in you. I thought that with many centuries under your belt, you would outlast us all, showering our loved ones with graciousness and tact. Sadly, all I have to offer you in your parting is the promise of vengence.

I will not sit idly by and watch while your memory is defecated on by those who abandoned you because you were foreign to their tongue. Every day, I will avenge your honor in the form of loquaciousness to the fools who neglected you for their own mediocre replacements. As they cast you aside for their own ignorance, I will cast them aside for their asininity. There will be a great conflict, but I am certain that you will prevail yet again. You will rise to the throne and show the infidels that you are to be feared, lest they be left behind in a dour world of pain and mockery.

There shall be no doubt: ENGLISH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!

13-year-old Girls of All Ages Weep

Having worked in the industry, I really have no patience or sympathy for people who bitch about cell phones.

Call it jaded, bitter, or whatever, but I can safely say I've heard 99% of the b-s that comes out of people's mouths in defense of whatever credit or phone they are trying to get. Even when a legitamate issue happens, my heart turns to stone and I spit venom at any toddler or panhandler in my vicinity.

Sidekicks, the phone not the stupid comic book plot, have been popular for years attracting celebrities, tween girls, and wannabes for both categories. As with many phone platforms, Sidekick data service went out over a week ago as has been steadily coming back, even if all the user data didn't make the return flight.

While it's a sucky situation, T-Mobile has now confirmed credits will be issued to any affected users ranging from a month of service to $100 for something that is ultimately Microsoft's fault.

So, given this situation, the next time my car breaks down, I am totally going after Wawa for $500 in free gas!

Another Year, Another Missed ScreamFest

Sometimes I feel cursed.

I first learned of ScreamFest (or Ultimate Horror Weekend) from a friend who lives in Orlando. The prospect of a convention-type atmosphere with fellow horror nuts, complete with celebrity appearances, screenings, and a tattoo room (!) kicked off by a zombie walk on the first day was delightful. That was the place I wanted to be.

2008, I was set to go. My itinerary was set, bags were packed, and the vehicle was full of fuel. However, it was not meant to be as family issues that surfaced a mere days before the shindig prevented me from attending. This year, an unfortunate deficit in my spreadsheet killed the joy of visiting the great state of Florida.

::Sigh::

So, I missed out on seeing Danielle Harris, Linda Blair, and the apparently canceled appearance of George Romero. Maybe that last one was calculated if the new Survival of the Dead was as horrible as Diary of the Dead.

Oh well. 2010 brings promise. At least more so than the shit-storm this year has been. Here's to looking forward!

I Can Haz Horror?

Finally a decent looking horror movie getting decent enough recognition.

The tiny budget film, Paranormal Activity which been inching closer to a nationwide release since its limited release a few years ago is slamming into theaters Friday, the 16th thanks not only to the one million fan demands as well as a $7 million weekend despite playing in only 160 theaters nationwide.

In this economic time of having -$0 disposable income, I will definitely whore myself for a few hours to be able to see the most hyped horror film this year (if not this decade). It better be worth my dignity though.

Bloody-Disgusting.com: Wait, Wait, 'Paranormal' Made $7m This Weekend?

A Gift Perfect for Christmas in Siberia

We all know that Hoth is a fictional planet (right?), but in reality the weather can get rather cold and geeks don't have anyone to sleep with.

Enter the Tauntaun sleeping bag!

No longer will the nights of frostbite and solace triumph. The mighty Tauntaun with its horrendous smelling insides will gladly encompass you in a womb full of warmth and the feeling on an intimate relationship with something that has hair.

Plus, it's a steal at $99.99 and it won't tie you up to the bedposts and steal your credit cards!

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag: thinkgeek.com

(The above snark does not apply to 11-year-olds like pictured above, or at least not yet.)

$2000 Worth of Poo

If you are like me, the thought of those swimming through their vaults of dimes and pennies makes you sick. Not at the actual prospect of a nickel and zinc bath per se, but the fact that you do not have one of your own.

If you are one of those pricks with ample money to blow on stupid crap, feast your eyes on this:



Yes, the Motorola AURA (aka WTF ARE YOU THINKING!!!) has stereo Bluetooth, a Swiss-made bearing, and a bunch of other shit I don't understand the point of in a phone.

I have high hopes for Motorola with the CLIQ but if I happen to see anyone carrying this, I will punch them squarely in the genitalia.

Motorola.com: AURA™ by Motorola

Stars of the Week: 7/5/2009

Here is a celebration of various stories deemed worthy enough to have a star in my Google Reader.

Consumerist: E.U. Agrees To Universal Standard For Phone Chargers
Nice in theory, but then I would have to change out all of my mini-USB cords and freakin' Apple products probably still wouldn't apply. Get on the ball Steve!

Variety: BET Awards salutes Michael Jackson
Does anything about Michael Jackson really belong on BET anymore? Just asking ...

FT.com: Deficit forces California to issue IOUs
Why am I reminded of the scene in Dumb and Dumber with the briefcase full of slips of paper?

Happy Independence Day!

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend and for those of you like myself who are working, enjoy that time and a half!

Quote of the Week: 7/4/2009

"Stupider people are smarter and expect more, smarter people are stupider and expect more."

The Boy Genius Report: What happened to Research In Motion and where are they going?

Throw a Bottle With the Book

A citizen from the fine state of New Jersey is a total and complete ass with no respect for others. I know, it's not really that shocking, is it?

The aforementioned man, Shaun Campbell, was given a DUI offense (to make a nice divisible 15th for him) after crashing head-on into another car containing a small child. Fortunately the other occupants were not injured. Unfortunately, Campbell apparently is smart enough to wear a seat-belt and was not seriously injured either.

If a BAC of .288 is Campbell's idea of drinking "quite a bit," his blood must be flammable by now.

In this humble writer's opinion, the maximum penalty of three years is definitely the equivalent to a slap on the wrist given the reckless disregard for others. Campbell should be in consideration for a 150 year sentence.

AP News: NJ man on 15th drunken-driving offense: I'm guilty

Can't Pay Your Bills? Pull a Dumb and Dumber!

"That's as good as money, sir. Those are IOUs." - Lloyd Christmas, Dumber and Dumber

California can't balance its budget so the state will be issuing IOUs to vendors and recipients of state aid. This coming after the state held onto tax refunds and delayed payment because the state didn't have the cash to give the taxpayers THEIR MONEY BACK.

I wonder if I can start mailing my creditors and landlord IOUs. Nah, I'm not a Terminator so I guess I'll just have to pay up like everyone else (except government).

The debacle is held up because Democrats in the state legistlature want to raise taxes but Schwarzenegger refuses to and instead wants to reduce spending to close the budget gap. While there have been several (too many to link here) articles from both sides about the effect tax increases have on the ecomonies affected, let's think about this from the perspective of a typical American family.

If you are making x amount per month but suddenly your expenses rise to x + y, can you really go to your company (where you get your money from) and demand more? If so, please drop me a line and let me know where you work so I can get into some of that action.

If you or I were in that situation where revenue was overrun by expenses, you either work more, spend less, or go into debt. California took the third option to the extreme and look at how that's going. I guess the state of California wouldn't qualify for one of those exclusive black AmEx cards now. That would certainly help as long as they paid more than the minimum payment.

Reuters: California misses budget deadline, readies "IOUs"

Why Go Organic?

Perhaps I'm old fashioned, cheap, or just an ass, but I really don't understand the whole "Organic" craze that's sweeping everything from cereal to produce to even tampons. The less environmentally friendly of the population are finding more and more obstacles in their way at their nearest supermarket.

It seems that more and more companies and brands are going "green" and making organic versions of already existing products to lure in the inner tree-hugging hippy in us all. At the core, organic sounds good: it's good for you, it's good for the earth, it's good for Susan Saradon. But my question is ... really?

On one hand, I can fully appreciate the fact that ingesting toxic chemicals is probably not the best thing. Fortunately, the ever-increasingly-awesome Consumerist has posted on the cost effectiveness of going all natural and when it is beneficial in doing so.

On the other hand, as far as food is concerned, not having any pesticides or chemicals in your sirloin steak may sound healthier, but

No conclusive evidence shows that organic food is more nutritious than is conventionally grown food. And the USDA — even though it certifies organic food — doesn't claim that these products are safer or more nutritious - Scientific American

This is not to mention that organic products are higher priced than their earth-raping counterparts by up to 40%. And there is also the argument that organic farming yields less crops, feeds less people, and other things that are way above my rudimentary agricultural skills.

So, if you have conflicting evidence in both directions, why would you choose the higher of the two options? I can safely say I have never bought a single organic item in my life and I generally don't jump on the popular bandwagons. While I don't prefer toxic chemicals dumped into water supplies, we've dealt with worse in the past (not me personally, but humanity as a whole).

So forget you Seventh Generation and your overpriced laundry detergent/dryer sheets/god-knows-whatever-else. I'll stick with Tide and the world will keep turning.

Of course, if I'm wrong, I'll be dead so I probably wouldn't care too much.

Scientific American: Organic foods: Are they safer? More nutritious?
Consumerist: When Is It Worthwhile To Buy Organic?

Quick Hits: Don't Demand

Don't go to someone, whether it be a salesman for your TV, a customer service rep for your bank, or an appliance repair guy and demand: "You're going to fix this now!!!1!!11One"

Not only will you get a redirect to someone who is likely more willing (or paid better) to listen to your shit and still tell you "No, Ain't Happenin'", you will get mocked behind your back after your encounter is finished.

Some people like to choose the douche-of-the-week approach, but the old saying applies: You attract more flies with honey than berating them and making the bees want to collectively punch you in the groin.

And I love that picture. I may have to use it more often.

Bluetootheses: You're Doing It Wrong!

Bluetooth technology is great!

Did you know that you can make your computer Bluetooth enabled so that pictures and videos on your cellular telephone can be transferred with ease?

Did you also know that you can connect your computer to your phone via Bluetooth and access internet on your computer through the phone or that you can pipe music from your phone to your car sterio?

Did you also know that wearing a Bluetooth headset makes you look like a prick who is either

a) pompous
b) arrogant
c) merely trying to look cool
OR
d) all of the above?

It was bad enough when the wired headset first gained popularity. While shopping for a new suit in the mall or getting tires replaced, you were accosted by people seemingly having schizophrenic conversations with themselves, only to discover you missed the litte dangling wire and they were talking on their phone.

Now, the same problems still apply but you have folks walking around with a g-d headset on at all times. I can understand the ease of not having to strain your muscles and hold the phone up to your head when you are driving, changing a diaper, or playing video games and some people may use their phones enough to warrant having one permanently implanted into their inner ear canal (how would you charge that?).

But if you are just walking around looking like you have a growth on your ear and not even using it, you need to rethink things. At least the Jason Bourne wired headset wasn't as tacky looking.

Huzzah!

My handsome digital face and snarky (at least I hope it comes across as such) comments are back from oblivion.

Call it laziness, ineptitude, life, or some combination of the three, but it has certainly been a while since my last posting.

With the world going to hell in a hand basket, full on and semi-celebrities dropping like flies, and my awesome new job, I shall not fail all my faithful readers ... who haven't yet discovered my awesome-ness.

So, feel free to peruse the archives even if they are no longer topical and you may find something that doesn't drive you to punch a panda in the face.

That is all, thank you!

Bernie Madoff: Prepare for the O-MG Face

Well, I hope that massive ponzi scheme made for some nice vacations and photo-ops around the world as it looks like Bernie Madoff is heading to federal-pound-me-in-the-ass prison for 150 years.

Good for the justice system for actually getting something right but 150 years?

U.S. District Judge Denny Chin issued the maximum sentence to the 71-year-old defendant, who said he lives "in a tormented state now, knowing all the pain and suffering I've created."

Oh nevermind, that douche deserves it.

I've always found it odd when folks are convicted for multiple or egregious crimes that get several life sentences or a seemingly arbitrary number of years. Of course, no one (with the exception of Angel) can live out a 150 year prison term so why not just make it a life sentence?

And speaking of which what would happen if someone with a life sentence technically dies but is then resuscitated? Does medical science trump the judicial system? I think not but it would sure make an interesting appeal.

Yahoo: Bernard Madoff gets maximum 150 years in prison