People I Am Sick to Death of Hearing About

There are a very few "news" shows that I watch on a fairly regular occasion as I feel most "news" rarely portray information without spinning it to either a political agenda or for entertainment. The 24-hour cycle of news has lead to a sickening overexposure to everything as there has to be thousands of show hours devoted to stupid crap like the Balloon Boy. As such, here is my list of people I pray will drop off the face of the earth really fucking soon.

1) Tiger Woods. Granted, I care absolutely nothing about golf, but I don't remember hearing this much about Tiger when he first emerged a few years ago. It seems like his whole career has been eclipsed by whatever bullshit is going on. Was he beaten? Was he drunk? Is he going to get a moving violation? Who was that old lady in his house? Who cares? I don't really mind the invasion of his privacy (though I'm sure he does), but I don't need to know every minute detail of the man's life now that he's had an affair or an apparent bad driver. I'm sure there are other celebrities to stalk who have more interesting nonsense going on.

2) The White House Crashers. I am so done with these people, I don't even know their names. I know they come from Virginia (at least Northern Virginia) and they lied about having invitations (or not) and knowing the governor (or not), and they want a reality show. You know, go ahead and give these jackasses a show on Bravo. In fact, send them to whatever cave the great John Gulager from Project Greenlight is hiding in.

3) US Senators and other random politicians. When I was in 12th grade government class, the principles of the workings of our republic system enamored me. That was right around the 2000 elections and I stayed close on politics since. Now, less than ten years later, I am disenfranchised and want to through the whole thing out and start over. Mainly, because I'm sick of people from all walks and all political perspectives bitch about one thing or another. I know nothing will ever change this, but I am sick of politicians. There's a reason they have a bad rap. At least lawyers get you off of stuff from time to time.

Some Ground Rules for Talking to Me

Idiots of the world, this is a helpful guide (a very short part 1 at that) to help you not be a tool and avoid the wrath of talking to me on the phone.

1) I will respect your time, so please do me the same favor. I don't go to your convenience store counter or fast food cooker and stand in front of you, preventing you from doing your menial tasks. However, when you call me and please me on hold or have a side conversation, you are inhibiting me from completing my menial task of assisting you. Get your shit in order before you call so I don't have to listen to you ruffle through a mountain of papers looking for a credit card receipt. And send your little hellions to play in the meth lab while you're complaining so I am not subjecting to "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KNOCK THE PISS OUTTA YOU!" twelve times in a call.

1a) "Just the facts, ma'am." This quote from Dragnet sums up what any business relationship should be based on: relevant, pithy nuggets of information that will help me help you get off my phone line. I may engage in some light banter if I'm stalling for time while looking up some information, but I really don't need to know what you do in your free time, why your daughter is grounded, how long you've been unemployed (or why you got fired to lead to so much free time), or your personal medical history. There are some instances where these are helpful hints but mostly you are giving me more information that I care to know, or even need to know. So, you will freely tell me your life story, but when I ask you to verify the last four digits of your social security number, which I already have by the way, you refuse because you think someone can do all sorts of nefarious things with less than half of your SSN. If your payment history with us is a good indication, they wouldn't want to steal your identity.

2) Look up the definition of enunciate before you call and adhere to that. For those too lazy to navigate there, it essentially means talk without shit in your mouth and lifting your tongue when you speak. I can't understand garbled jibberish and while its good that you can't see me roll my eyes at your idiocy, that also means I can't get you to scratch out on the back of your betting slip what you really want. If you speak a foreign language more fluently, either slow down and articulate your words or ask for a damn translator so I don't have to ask you five times to repeat yourself state that you want to make a payment. This also goes for giving me series of numbers like a credit card. When you blow through numbers saying, "four-ten, fifty-five, eighteen" at great speeds, your poor speech pattern leads me to type 14 instead of four, one, zero before I have to delete the numbers and try to catch back up. I am hopeful you can count beyond ten, but I don't need you to prove it. Just give me the numbers individually.

3) Understand that your imagination does not apply to me. Just because you are deluded enough to think something can happen doesn't necessary mean it can be. We are not Build-a-Plan Wireless where you can magically pull numbers out of your ass for us to accommodate. If I don't have a plan with 1500 minutes, unlimited text, and free directory assistance calls for $20.00 a month, than you cannot have that. Look at your choices within the realm of reality and go from there. Please know that not all phones are available with all companies. Just like you cannot go into a McDonald's and order a Whopper with a Frosty, I cannot give you a product we don't sell. Sure, just like McDonald's has a Quarter Pounder, I may have something comparable but not exactly the same. Lastly, I don't have a magic wand to fix all of your problems in the blink of an eye so if we have to sit for ten minutes to figure something out, don't get all pissed off. I certainly don't want to be on the phone with you any longer than necessary. And ... you called me, remember?

Yeah, Fees Suck. We Get It

People love to complain. They complain about anything they feel with no regard to if it is a valid argument or if they are merely talking out of their ass. Hell, I complain but I usually try to withhold such activities for things that deserve it, unlike this Gizmodo article crying about early termination fees for cell phone companies.

Fees are seemingly common for most service companies, at least the ones that I am familiar with. After much pressure from the FCC, cell phone companies began prorating early termination fees, or the fee you would pay to break the legally binding document you signed to start service. Apparently that is not enough as more are calling for additional government regulation for these charges. But, I have a real simple solution if you don't like the prospect of an early termination fee: don't sign a g-d contract. Imagine if you were able to switch companies with ease, not having to worry about waiting a predetermined length of time, with no additional fee for switching other than what you pay for your monthly rate. Wouldn't it be nice if there were such a thing?

Now, I'm not a big proponent of fees like paying money to pay a bill, not with a person but with an automated system or online. But, when you agree to do business with a company, you are agreeing to deal with that company, their fees, their policies, and everything else. You can't sign up for a service, wait six months, and then complain about the very thing that was detailed in your inital documentation because it no longer is beneficial for you. Sure, you can go to someone else, but chances are they have the same exact business practices as well. Is it right? Not really. Is that life? Yep.

So, if you want to avoid fees, look for alternative companies if any exist. If none do, start your own. If the previous two suggestions are too terribly hard, then STFU and pay your bill. Maybe if you get enough ill-informed people like you, you can lobby your congressman or a special-interest group and get the government to step in. At that rate, every industry will be regulated to death with many companies going out of business which will then lead to reduced competition and more bitching. So ... choose wisely.

Why I Hate the Music Industry

Back when I was a wee lad and Napster had first emerged, for all the fun I had finding songs from the radio, acoustic tracks, and bands recommended by friends, I felt a tinge of guilt for illegally downloading songs that some of my favorite bands had spent much time and effort on making. Then, as more and more came out about the music industry, the RIAA and their sue-happy legal team, and the fact that bands don't make dick unless they are super popular made me that much more jaded and more willing to download those tracks (even though I neeeever do anymore).

While a bit of a lengthy read, this article lends credence to the fact that record companies suck for consumers even less than they suck for the bands themselves. Admittedly, I have no idea if this piece is accurate or even applicable to most bands, but if the math is as stated, you'd be better off downloading an album off the internet and mailing your favorite band a check for $5 to split between the members. At least at that point, the record company isn't in the mix to mess everything up.

English is Dead

Ah, my old friend. You have treated us well. You have given us the means to communicate effectively with a worldwide standard that few other languages can match. Yes, you may be awkwardly shoe-horned into television series and films that really have no business featuring you, but alas, you have stayed strong, knowing that you will prevail in the long run.

I am troubled to tell you, the English language, you have been jettisoned for a series of grunts and noises that merely sound similar to your sweeping vernacular. Gone are the days of enuciation and grammar, replaced with words and phrases that, while attrocious to your legacy, have been taken with an attitude of "Horseshoes and Hand-grenades" to let these insults to your memory by with nary a mention.

You will always remain my close friend, even in your absense. While your words have been effectively ripped from the loins of the human vocabulary, know that I will always keep you in my heart. It pleases me to bring up your deepest and most forgotten constituents to showcase confusion in those who did not believe in you. I thought that with many centuries under your belt, you would outlast us all, showering our loved ones with graciousness and tact. Sadly, all I have to offer you in your parting is the promise of vengence.

I will not sit idly by and watch while your memory is defecated on by those who abandoned you because you were foreign to their tongue. Every day, I will avenge your honor in the form of loquaciousness to the fools who neglected you for their own mediocre replacements. As they cast you aside for their own ignorance, I will cast them aside for their asininity. There will be a great conflict, but I am certain that you will prevail yet again. You will rise to the throne and show the infidels that you are to be feared, lest they be left behind in a dour world of pain and mockery.

There shall be no doubt: ENGLISH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!

13-year-old Girls of All Ages Weep

Having worked in the industry, I really have no patience or sympathy for people who bitch about cell phones.

Call it jaded, bitter, or whatever, but I can safely say I've heard 99% of the b-s that comes out of people's mouths in defense of whatever credit or phone they are trying to get. Even when a legitamate issue happens, my heart turns to stone and I spit venom at any toddler or panhandler in my vicinity.

Sidekicks, the phone not the stupid comic book plot, have been popular for years attracting celebrities, tween girls, and wannabes for both categories. As with many phone platforms, Sidekick data service went out over a week ago as has been steadily coming back, even if all the user data didn't make the return flight.

While it's a sucky situation, T-Mobile has now confirmed credits will be issued to any affected users ranging from a month of service to $100 for something that is ultimately Microsoft's fault.

So, given this situation, the next time my car breaks down, I am totally going after Wawa for $500 in free gas!

Another Year, Another Missed ScreamFest

Sometimes I feel cursed.

I first learned of ScreamFest (or Ultimate Horror Weekend) from a friend who lives in Orlando. The prospect of a convention-type atmosphere with fellow horror nuts, complete with celebrity appearances, screenings, and a tattoo room (!) kicked off by a zombie walk on the first day was delightful. That was the place I wanted to be.

2008, I was set to go. My itinerary was set, bags were packed, and the vehicle was full of fuel. However, it was not meant to be as family issues that surfaced a mere days before the shindig prevented me from attending. This year, an unfortunate deficit in my spreadsheet killed the joy of visiting the great state of Florida.

::Sigh::

So, I missed out on seeing Danielle Harris, Linda Blair, and the apparently canceled appearance of George Romero. Maybe that last one was calculated if the new Survival of the Dead was as horrible as Diary of the Dead.

Oh well. 2010 brings promise. At least more so than the shit-storm this year has been. Here's to looking forward!

I Can Haz Horror?

Finally a decent looking horror movie getting decent enough recognition.

The tiny budget film, Paranormal Activity which been inching closer to a nationwide release since its limited release a few years ago is slamming into theaters Friday, the 16th thanks not only to the one million fan demands as well as a $7 million weekend despite playing in only 160 theaters nationwide.

In this economic time of having -$0 disposable income, I will definitely whore myself for a few hours to be able to see the most hyped horror film this year (if not this decade). It better be worth my dignity though.

Bloody-Disgusting.com: Wait, Wait, 'Paranormal' Made $7m This Weekend?