Don't Give Yourself a Brain Tumor

I spoke with a customer today who was upset that his account had been flagged as non-profitable. Generally, these designations are reserved for people who use their phones more often than not on another carrier's towers. Since we still have to pay that carrier their roaming dues, we are stuck with an account that is depleting the ever present "bottom-line."

On occasion however, unprofitable accounts can be flagged for another joy we call "excessive usage." What is excessive? How is this arbitrary term defined? Why can't Sunnis and Shiites live together in harmony? Find out these answers and more! (And by more I mean the first two but not necessarily the third).

We offer calling plans that are unlimited in the sense that you don't pay additional provided you follow all the rules of your plan. Granted, all that is not spelled out in promotional marketing (although it should be), but one would assume unlimited within reason. What is reasonable for an unlimited plan? Most people I've had the "pleasure" of coming across have had approximately 2000-4000 minutes used per month. That equates to around 33 to 66 hours per month. While it certainly seems excessive for most, those figures are not outside of the norm that we might see. Some may take it a step further, racking up around 6000 to 10,000 minutes per month, representing 100 or more hours per month. That's a lot of talking! However, this still does not raise the bean counter's red flags of hemorrhaging money.

This man I met today had a monthly average anywhere between 12,000 and 15,000 minutes per month. That's 250 hours per month, corresponding to about 8 hours a day on the phone. However, one month, the bill reflected 22,237 total minutes used over a standard thirty (30!) day billing period made up in 2,861 total calls. As we break that down, that is 370 total hours of talking per month which breaks down to 12.5 hours per day on the phone.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is excessive.

When you talk on the phone more than I do, keeping in mind that I converse on the phone for a career(?), you know you have a problem. I certainly hope his lower-level dealers weren't causing trouble or ripping him off or else he'd likely talk you to death ... and probably then go after your Auntie.

Don't Get Your Rocks Off on Company Time

Richmond Times Dispatch columnist Ray McAllister has done his due diligence on confronting porn and the city.

In Richmond, Virginia, city officials determined that over a two month period of time, 191 city employees visited a pornographic website (hereafter referred to as "Goodies") at least 10 times. Some had visited over 50 times. Two employees, who have since been fired, had seen Goodies over 12,000 times.

The big question: who is it that determined what was appropriate workplace Goodies action and what is not? If you visit ten sites, we frown upon you, but carry on. Fifty sites: you have a problem, but we are not here to judge. Ten thousand+ sites: nice severance package to go home and look at even more porn.

The next big question: where can I fill out an application and when do the benefits kick in?

At work, I feel dirty and shamed whenever I try to visit a site during downtime that "The Company" finds inappropriate. Things like Consumerist, TV Squad, and even my own blog is deemed inappropriate for work-use and I am subsequently greeted by a nice reminder: ACCESS DENIED. I can't even imagine what it would be like to work in a place with unfettered internet access. I would imagine it would be awkward to have your sixty-ish year-old boss come up and find you viewing Goodies. This would be eclipsed in awkwardness by him saying, "Hey, that's a good one."

People, inappropriate internet access at work is never a good thing. It siphons your productivity (like you care), makes other people work harder (who haven't figured out about free porn access at work), and your customers or clients ultimately bear the consequence (as they don't have free porn access for themselves). Control yourself and curb that brunette-babes-with-big-hands-among-really-big-other-things addiction until you get home.

On the other hand, maybe it would be best for more public employees to have access to the full-fledged wonders of the internet, including porn. It may make those people at the DMV less cranky.

Don't Entrust Your Kids' Sexual Health to Bureaucrats

Kids grow up so fast these days. I remember when I was a wee one, terrorizing the hallowed halls of my middle school, days were consumed with how to sell more Blow-Pops and Airheads for buying movies, avoiding those freakish 7th-graders who were about five and a half feet tall towering over us dwarfins and then didn't grow for the rest of there lives, and skimming through books and magazines at 11 o'clock for a book report the following day. Now, I guess middle schoolers have to worry about "family planning."

The New York Times reports a school in Portland, Maine has approved to start offering a variety of wellness services such as physicals and immunizations ... oh, and dispensing birth control. The proposal was approved by 10 of the 12 member school board and was backed by the Portland Division of Public Health.

I suppose if one had to choose, it would be better for a 13-year-old to engage in safer intimate activity to prevent "fluid-sharing" and procreation than a less safe interaction. Of course, wouldn't it be better if barely teenagers were actually being directed in positive activities like their studies, after-school activities, or recreational drug use?

The school principal, Mike McCarthy, said about 5 of the school’s 500 students had identified themselves as being sexually active.

The argument for this is not to encourage sexual activity but to ensure those who are active are doing so safely. By this reasoning, we should expect to see in Portland the distribution of clean needles for heroin because it is safer?

Regardless, all this hubbub is being caused by 25 kids, probably living on the wrong side of the tracks (if such a place exists in Maine) who need nothing more than a stable and influential guiding figure in their life. Perhaps with all his free time Michael Vick could lend a hand to Big Brother, Big Sister.

Don't Pay for Crap You Already Own

Why does this young girl have such a bright smile on her face while she talks on her cellular telephone? Is she telling her parents about her acceptance to Harvard? Was she just asked on a date at the local Starbucks? Is she enjoying the anal-rapage of her bank account? Prior to this conversation commencing, she was treated to the smooth sounds of Jay-Z that she had purchased for the mere pittance of $3.49 from her service provider.

Unbeknown to her (and many others who make up the $600 million ringtone customer base), ringtones are the biggest ripoff since Amway.

In a vintage article from early '06, Wired explains why it is absurd to pay a company for a small fragment of a track that you likely already own. Ringtone prices can range from $2 for crappy, synthesized versions like you might hear in an NES game) to $3 or perhaps even more if you enroll in a sketchy subscription service. If you consider that an average CD is 12 tracks, you would be paying over $30 to purchase a small fraction of a full-length CD. As pointed out in the article, it costs more to download a ringtone than it does to download a legitimate MP3.

All you have to do is purchase a Bluetooth adapter (if your phone is so configured) or a data cable to connect your phone to a computer. Either of these cost around $30. Next, download an MP3 editing software such as Audacity or MP3 Wav Editor, cut down the song in question, transfer it to your phone, and you are good to go and didn't expend $3 in the process.

Now, you have more money to spend on beer, string cheese, or being carbon neutral. Don't you feel better about yourself already?

Don't Screw Around with Deer

A Georgia man was found dead at his home after an apparent attack by one of the deer that resided on his property. John Henry Frix was reportedly skewered by the deer with its antlers.

The incident was likely triggered by rut, a stage in the deer's mating process. The responsible deer was later dispatched by a family member of Mr. Frix and is no doubt halfway to being digested now. Magnanimously, no charges have been filed in the episode and is under further investigation.

Just like you don't approach with a dog when he's eating, don't mess around with a cervidae trying to get his freak on.

Don't Shoot the Ice Cream Man

A blissful Sunday afternoon turned into a horrific scene for one man in Richmond, Virginia. The man was shot and taken to the hospital with life-threatening injuries.

The victim, Dan Teodorescu, was in the parking lot of E.S.H. Greene Elementary School selling ice cream when he was approached by two male teenagers who attempted to rob him. One of the teens shot him and then the gaggle fled in a sedan. It is unclear if the attempted robbery was for the less than $35 in cash the driver had or a significant supply of ice cream sandwiches.

School Board member Carol Wolf remarked:

"For someone who came seeking the American dream, it looks like he found a nightmare. I hope that the police department can get to the bottom of this and keep our children safe ... This hurts our kids, and our kids need to feel safe."

It appears the prevalence of violence has spread not only to safe havens for children but also to those the children admire and cherish. This should prove that football players, movie stars, clowns, and Santa Claus cannot escape the inevitable gangland-style "cap-in-the-head."

Tooth Fairy: consider yourself warned.

Don't Fire the Buttprint Man

Who knew painting with body parts could be so controversial?

Stephen Murmer was a well-respected art teacher at Monacan High School in Chesterfield, Virginia up until late 2006. At that time, a video showing Murmer, posing under the alias Stan Murmur, surfaced online demonstrating his unique style of artistic expression: butt-painting.

As Murmer's activities would have (and eventually did) come under fire by parents, school officials, papal figures, and political officials, Murmer wore a mask during the demonstration video to conceal his identity. All of Murmer's butt-art was created on his own time and he took steps to ensure his students did not uncover it.

When students at Murmer's school stumbled upon the online exhibition, it quickly spread around the student body. School officials called upon Murmer and suspended him, claiming the video clamor was creating a disruption. A month later Murmer was fired.

The ACLU of Virginia filed suit in Richmond on Thursday against the Chesterfield County school board. The suit alleges the firing of former high school teacher Stephen Murmer in January was a violation of Murmer's First Amendment rights.

While it is easy to see the school board's position that a person in such a position of respect and authority should not be engaging in this type of behavior, Murmer did nothing wrong within the confines of the school nor did his students have any direct exposure to his art. Had he posted "Tulip Butts" in his classroom, that may be pushing it. Ultimately, would this case have been different had Murmer been using strictly arms, elbows, or armpits? I don't there would be this much uproar if that was the case.

The probable upside to this for Murmer is increased recognition for his work and techniques. And, for only $4,800 you can own "Poppies," a piece of history featuring the posterior DNA of a famous painter.

One thing is for sure: he could have picked a better pseudonym differing more than one letter from his real name.

Don't Drag Everyone Else Down

Idaho Senator Larry Craig clearly has no conscience.

Shortly after pleading guilty to charges stemming from being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a Minnesota airport, Craig stated he would be resigning from his elected position. Then, he apparently had a change of heart and attempted to withdraw his guilty plea.

Even as the request to rescind his plea has been declined, Craig has rejected the notion of leaving with a shred of dignity and stated he would fulfill the remainder of his term.

“As I continued to work for Idaho over the past three weeks here in the Senate, I have seen that it is possible for me to work here effectively,” Mr. Craig said in his statement, saying that he believed he could do more for his state than an interim replacement.

We have to give credit to Senator Craig for bringing more awareness to his state and it is likely that he would be able to further tarnish the reputation of elected officials in general far more than a temporary replacement.

Don't Turn Your Loved Ones Into Photographs

How is it considered desecration to dig up a corpse to put alternate gender clothing on it while posing it in suggestive positions but it is A-Okay to turn the remnants of your loved one into a picture?

Inkafterlife specializes in the creation of photo memorials printed with ink containing the ashes that you provide. So, as it stands, you can make pictures, diamonds, teddy bears, and a plethora of other options for the storage of your deceased loved one.

Or, you could be normal and bury the urn, avoiding the need to make a couch or flower pot out of your family member.

Don't Eat the Beef

Another day, another recall. This time the recall affects over 150 tons of frozen beef patties and other beef products potentially contaminated with E. coli bacteria.

With all the recalls of food products abound recently, it looks like you'd be better off sautéing some lead paint chips for dinner. Yeah, the risk of nerve disorders and fertility problems certainly don't sound appealing, but those are potential problems with long-term exposure.

At least you'll escape worshipping the porcelain god like a bad date with a beer bong.

Don't Burn Your House Down

A Greensboro, NC family is looking for a new place to take up residence after a fire at their home. The fire caused around $80,000 in damage to the home, which has been condemned until the necessary repairs can be completed but fortunately no one was hurt in the incident. It is also worth mentioning the family patriarch was responsible for the blaze.

Hugh Williams apparently does not appreciate mother nature and all her minions. Williams' home was infested with yellow jackets impervious to normal bug spray that Williams used to rid the domicile of the insects. When that failed, Williams did the next logical thing, lighting a piece of paper on fire and sticking it in the hole where the yellow jackets were. Not-quite hilarity ensued as the flame traveled into the house and attic causing the damage.

Most of us can understand the dislike of insects encroaching on the sanctity of our homes. However, it the unfortunate event of an infestation, there are certainly more sensible ways of elimination other than making yourself homeless. Next time, call an exterminator and be done with it. You'll be paying someone else to take care of the problem leaving your more time for future brilliant brainstorming sessions.

Of course, if you have a desire to blow something up, a spacious backyard, lots of flammable materials, and a hoard of bees hanging around, see here.